Vegetables

James liked to store turnips in his underpants when he wasn’t actually wearing them – the underpants that is!

He tried keeping turnips in old pairs of jeans but that just didn’t feel right; nor did it aid with the flavour enhancing effects of his y-fronts which he was so keen to enjoy. Jeans it transpired were excellent for storing winter crops such as potatoes, especially Maris Piper or Belle de Fontenay.

It was to be a good day for James. He had a date organised for the evening with a charmingly good looking young lady from the neighbouring village. Her name was Angelica and she was keen to maintain the quality of her tomato crop by storing them in her knickers. She claimed two positive benefits for this enterprise.

Firstly the tomatoes were less likely to bruise if buffeted by good quality cotton pants; secondly when it came time to don one of her many pairs of knickers she was convinced that the tomatoes left a nice warm glow making the trolleys that much more snug and comfortable.

The plan for the evening was to visit a local transport cafe for a nice pre-cinema snack and then take in an Action Adventure movie which would star a short man as a Ninja Killer – not someone who kills Ninjas but a man who is a Ninja and therefore lives up to his own reputation as a killer. This type of movie was all the rage and the big Hollywood producers had lines of very short actors and actresses waiting to take a part in this type of film. It was also well known that this genre attracted a lot of financial sponsorship from the American Association of Vegetable Storers.

“The Happy Lunch Packet” had a renowned reputation for the outstanding quality of its Beefburger Butties. So it was straight to the front of the queue and a squeal of “Two of your Best my good man” from the hormonally supercharged James. He had his bird on his arm and he intended giving her a good time.

On receiving there beautifully served evening snack they scanned the cafe for a place to sit. There was a lovely little table near the window overlooking the dual carriageway that initially attracted their attention. On walking toward it they realised that the guy sitting on the adjacent table was wearing a rich Blue Cotton Oxford shirt which had clearly been used for storing cabbages.

This was not only unnecessary it was also quite distasteful, especially when a man was out walking with his floozy in tow.

James felt affronted.

It was perfectly acceptable in this day and age to store a decent cabbage crop in a woollen overgarment such as a cardigan or a Shetland; Guernseys were favoured by the more discreet. Or if one was forced to use a shirt for vegetable storage then at least limit things to cauliflowers in a gingham check workshirt.

This guy was taking the biscuit.

They opted instead for a neat little two man table near the coffee machine. It was a cosy little spot though conversation was a little difficult if anyone ordered an espresso.

James tried his best to make the most of the Beefburger butty but he felt his appetite somewhat marred by the uncouth chap in the cabbage spoiled shirt. Angelica tempted him by offering a variety of thick liquids such as tomato ketchup, brown sauce and mayonnaise. Even the association of tomato ketchup and Angelicas unique vegetable storage system did little to improve his mood.

Never mind he thought. The movie with the diminutive Ninja will no doubt make the evening worthwhile.

And it did!

The hero playing the Ninja Killer wore a delicious bright blue bri nylon shirt that had clearly been used for storing carrots at some time. In fact if it wasn’t for the shakiness of the film and rapid spinning, leaping and kicking of the miniature star James would have sworn that they were free range Danvers half long organic carrots. James was thrilled.

In a cameo performance later on in the movie the Killer Ninja wore a pair of dark grey non-iron slacks which any movie goer could tell had formerly been used to store onions. This was most evident in the final scene when the hero stretched up to deliver a karate chop to the neck of the nasty bad guy; there was positive proof of onion skins in the seam of the trousers! To send the final delight to James and Angelica they could see that the bad nasty guy wore a T-shirt displaying the logo ‘Bad’; but this T-shirt had in fact been a garlic repository in recent times.

As they snuggled in their seats Angelica sexily whispered that the thought of garlic was causing the tomato essences to tingle in her pants. James was startled and overjoyed.

He took a mouthful of popcorn to ease his growing pains.

“Yuckaroomo!” he exclaimed.

“Try that” he winced.

They were at the kiosk quicker than you could say they were at the kiosk.

He looked the young attendant straight in the eye and declared, “It is apparent to me young man that this popcorn has been stored in a blouson!”

The youthful employee looked nonplussed.

“I’ll have to call the manager Sir.”

Storing popcorn in blousons was not unheard of these days though the EU Commissioners from the Committee for European Vegetable Storage had recommended popcorn be stored only in Duffle coats as it was felt this preserved the flavour for longer. The handsome youth was not that concerned in himself. After all popcorn was not a raw vegetable but a processed food. As far as he and many of his generation were concerned processed food could be stored in any garment, winter or summer. It was not as though the EU Commissioners were going to make a fuss about the everyday habit of storing baked beans in nylon socks!

The Manager soon appeared in his trendy outfit of Black T-shirt and Black Slacks, the perfect outfit for keeping a good harvest of Aubergine in tip top condition.

The Manager was initially uncomfortable with James’ story. Still, he thought, let’s face the truth in this instance.

He admitted somewhat sheepishly that the Cinema Complex was finding it hard to acquire Duffle Coats and so had adopted the surreptitious policy of buying up cheap blousons.

“After all,” he admitted, “despite the quality of the materials used in the average blouson they are particularly cheap as they are no longer fashionable. Besides,” he continued,” the Americans have the Duffle Coat market cornered. Popcorn is more a way of life there and you wouldn’t expect them to cut corners when it comes to stockpiling their favourite delicacy!”

James listened to the argument with a grim smile on his face, As the Manager finished James placed his hands theatrically on his hips and leaned slightly forward.

“Well that’s all well and good. But tell me…” and he leaned in a little more, “would you be impressed if I were to suggest you were to keep your Aubergines in a Gilet?”

The point was taken straight to heart by the Manager.

“You’re dead right Sir! As of tomorrow morning I will have our buyers out scouring the Markets for Duffle Coats. We can’t allow the quality of our popcorn, and therefore the overall service we supply, being ruined by penny pinching. It’s blousons out and Duffle’s in!”

James was delightfully smug and allowed his head to wobble very slightly side to side. His treat was continued when the Manager produced a pair of free tickets on the house gratis for next week’s Action Adventure movie.

It was to be a movie of the Western Variety starring Billy Chowsers; it was rumoured that this rising star of cowboy gore kept Celeriac in his Stetson when not on set. What’s more if stories from the internet were to be believed he also maintained a good supply of raw Haricot beans in his waistcoat.  Now that, thought James, is an actor with style.

Angelica was so pleased with the turn of events that evening that she went home and shifted her entire supply of radish into her favourite silk stockings.

My she slept well that night!