An almighty row has erupted at the United Nations Headquarters in New York over an alleged slur on the professionalism of Translators and Interpreters by Hollywood superstar Michael Douglas. Staff are incensed by the suggestion that their activities can cause throat cancer.
“Oui!” declared Marcel Sponge, 27, head of the Belgian translation team. “Sometimes in our line of work we become involved in throat and larynx gymnastics, such as having to sound like we are about to spit when speaking German. And occasionally we have to pull funny faces and sound angry, like when speaking Mandarin. But none of this can be said to cause throat cancer!” he added defiantly.
Douglas, 68, was unrepentant: “Greed is good,” he is quoted as saying.
“At my age I look forward to being 69,” he added with a wink.
Douglas is no stranger to controversy, having married and actress 25 years younger than himself, while at the same time he was much older than her. However so far this has not caused any problems and it is statistically quite common for couples to be different ages.
Michael Douglas comes from the well known Hollywood celebrity family, the Douglas’s. As an actor in his own right he rose to prominence in such movies as Romancing the Nile Jewels, The Wall Street and Basic in Stink. More recently he supplied the voice of Gordon the Gecko in Madagascar 17 and played the outrageous Pianist Liberace who allegedly had a face like a decorator’s radio. His father Kirk Douglas, 96, shot to fame as Spartacus and took further lead roles in The Vikings, The Normans and The Stevens. Meanwhile Brother Jack took the Romantic lead in later Carry On films, notably as Dick the Twitcher in Carry On Looking for Birds.
However UN translators are far from impressed by this pedigree.
“He’s only an actor,” stated Matsumoro Matsumoto, 31, a member of the British delegation.
Meanwhile the Head of Security at the UN HQ General (retd.) Hank O’Hare, 72, told us, “If these guys don’t get back to work there will be all hell to pay. Without them in place Politicians will have to learn to talk to each other – that would be a disaster and would seriously affect US Arms sales.”
A Joint statement issued by the Cancer Research Society and the BBC stated; “Michael Douglas has suggested a link between throat cancer and cunnilingus. This has nothing to do with old jokes from the BBC.”
[Of course it’s a spoof!!!!]
Fairy Hanny 