What is a Hanny?

“What’s a Hanny?” asked Daisy as she checked out this blog.

“Actually Fairyhanny is a Spoonerism,” I explained.

“Like a toast to the Queer Dean instead of the Dear  Queen.”

“I don’t get it?”

So I tried again.

“Would you like to show me your toolkits?”

“Are you a smart fella?”

I even got her reciting ‘I’m not a pheasant plucker I’m a pheasant pluckers mate’ quite a feat for a young lady in Chengdu. I have this image of a group of Chinese women shouting out “I’m not a pheasant plucker…”

She finally got it when I said ‘would you duck my sick?’

There was a pause.

“So Fairy Hanny is really Hairy Fanny?” asked Daisy.

“Yes!”

There was a longer pause.

“What’s a Fanny?”

Playing Poetry Games

Today I played a game with a girl in China. We wrote four words and then made poems. They are generally awful…. but included here for your entertainment.

Poems today

 

I like the colour of rose

my friend says she also does

so when we meet a rose colour dog

we bring him back to our house

 

I like the colour rose

and my dog has got no nose

My friend said just suppose

My house was made of toes

 

I have a hat with a very wide brim

It gives me some prestige

but I must abstain from telling him

I’m wary of wearing beige

What’s love got to do with it? The formula for Happiness

I love Maths – but then I am an oddity. Does Maths make you happy?

Well some guys have come up with what they call a happiness formula. For the Mathematicians, Physicists and Engineers – I know it’s not real Maths!

HAPPINESS = (Mx16 + Cx1 + Lx2) + (Tx5 + Nx2 + Bx33) .

Of course I would rather see it as H = 16M + C + 2L + 5T + 2N +33B

But never mind, as Nirvana used to say. What does it mean?

Ok – get your Left Brain round this….

M – Live in the Moment. Every second of every day appreciate what you have – enjoy the sights and sounds and smells of living. So next time the wind blows the vapours from the sewage farm in your direction – be grateful! And as the average person is awake for 16 hours we get Mx16.
C – be Curious. Be curious once a day. No good for a Scientist, or an Artist, or a writer…

L – do something you Love. Twice a day do something that gives you great pleasure or excites you. But be careful about your arrest record.

T – Think of others first. Spread the love. Of course this could tie in very nicely with ‘L’ above.

N – Nurture relationships. Research has found that the happiest people in the world have a close relationship with a significant other. Twice a day, work on the ‘L’ and ‘T’…
B – look after your Body. Eat, drink and be merry (that’s 3), plus do 30 minutes exercise a day. I’d like the 30 minutes spent on ‘L’…

So there we have a formula for happiness. The units are all wrong of course, with hours, minutes and ‘times per day’ – not sure that is an SI Unit.

To me it looks like you will be happy if you spend the day with your other half, working your way through the Karma Sutra as you eat exotic fruits and nuts. But did I really need a formula for that?

Who wants to be a writer – it’s tough!!!

10 Authors who dealt with Rejection.

You and I love to write. It’s a special gift and a privilege we have creating story’s, sometimes just for ourselves, for our families and friends. But we all reach the point when we believe in what we write and we want to see it published – and we’d also like to make money from our writing too!

There are many famous writers, old and new, who have gone from the personal writing to looking for publication only to be rejected. I think many of you reading this will have a few rejection letters yourself – if not get ready for some! I have a few myself and each time I get one, I either take on board the positive criticism or I reject it if it is just negative criticism!

Below, in no particular order, are ten well known authors who suffered their fair share of rejection. However they didn’t let it stop them – they kept going an eventually found fame and fortune from their writing. We should take heart from these examples and remember – success is not just about what you do but about the attitude and determination you have to succeed.

1. C.S. Lewis. Author of the Chronicles of Narnia, the most famous being The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Lewis received more than 800 rejections before he sold anything. Next time you watch one of the movies just smile at his determination.

2. Margaret Mitchell. Not a name that springs to mind until you realise she wrote Gone With The Wind. An all time classic that was rejected by 25 publishers.

3. Robert M. Pisig. The author of a modern classic much loved by undergraduate college students. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance took four years to write and was rejected 121 times!

4. George Orwell. A personal favourite of mine as he worked at the local newspaper in my hometown and took his pen name from the River Orwell. His iconic book on Stalinist Russia Animal Farm was rejected repeatedly, one American publisher claiming that ‘animal stories don’t sell’.

5. The Diary of Anne Frank was repeatedly rejected as many publishers felt it was of little interest to the general public. By 1998 this book had sold more than 25 million copies and remains a bestseller to this day.

6. William Golding. The Lord of the Flies, a disturbing book about the lives and violence of young boys stranded on a tropical island, was rejected more than 20 times. The book has gone on to sell more than 14 million copies and the author received the Nobel Prize for Literature. 7. James Joyce. Possibly one of the most famous Irish writers of the 20th Century saw his novel Ulysses was  rejected over and over for being obscene.

8. Jasper Fforde. Again a personal favourite. I have all of his Thursday Next novels and love the Nursery Crime series. Jasper collected 76 rejections before The Eyre Affair was accepted for publication.

9. J.K. Rowling. Probably the best known rejected author of modern times. The first Harry Potter book was turned down by 12 major publishing houses before being accepted by Bloomsbury one of the smaller London publishers. Now each of her books has been turned into a movie, there are the books, computer games, merchandise etc.

10. Frank Herbert. The best selling Science Fiction novel of all time was rejected 20 times. When accepted Dune sold so well that Herbert was contracted to write five more in the series.

So great books and writers- how many have you actually read? – the common thread being rejection and perseverance. Like most of you I am working on completing novels – I’ve just finished the draft of my second.

Meanwhile I keep my cash flowing by writing articles, short story’s, poetry and tutoring. I feel privileged, like I said at the start of this article, that I can spend time writing and helping others. I particularly like to write comedy – not one of the easiest genres but great fun. I sometimes burst out laughing when I read the things I’ve written.

Don’t ever get downhearted about your writing. Write for yourself when you can. Write articles to improve your skills (and get paid); write for your friends and family.

Just write!

What the fork? Doctors remove piece of cutlery from penis of 70-year-old

Hey Folks this is a GENUINE News item !!!!!

“Doctors in Australia have removed a 10-centimetre fork from the penis of a 70-year-old man who inserted it into his uretha in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification.

The case is considered so unusual it was written-up by three doctors in the International Journal of Surgery Case Report last month.

According to the report the man presented at Canberra Hospital emergency department with a bleeding sexual organ.

The Canberra Times says he told doctors he had inserted the piece of cutlery into his urethra almost 12 hours earlier in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification, but the fork – perhaps unsurprisingly – became stuck.

Doctors were able to feel the fork from outside and remarkable x-ray images showed the utensil wedged into the man’s penis.

Medics finally removed the item using forceps and “copious lubrication” while the patient was under a general anaesthetic.

The case appears in the International Journal of Surgery Case Report published last month and is entitled “An Unusual Urethral Foreign Body”.

In the document medics remark that it was rare to see objects lodged in the lower urinary tract.

Doctors explained that they wrote up the case “given the great management challenge faced by the oddity and infrequency with which a fork is encountered in the penile urethra”.

“It is apparent that the human mind is uninhibited let alone creative,” they wrote.

“Autoerotic stimulation with the aid of self-inserted urethral foreign bodies has been existent since time immemorial and have presented an unusual but known presentation to urologists.”

According to the Canberra Times the report lists other objects found in parts of other bodies including wire, Allen keys, toothbrushes, light bulbs, thermometers, plants, vegetables, leeches, snakes and glue.

The newspaper also notes that the report says many patients try to remove items that become stuck because of embarrassment.

Their own attempts to extract the objects often result in further injuries the paper notes.”

Physicist proves watched kettles do boil!

They say a watched kettle never boils, but Irish Physicist Eamon Glasscock has set out to disprove this theory and made some other remarkable discoveries on the way.

Glasscock, 26, a post-doctoral Research Fellow at the University of Wollongong in Dubai, has spent a lifetime fascinated by things that get hot.

“As a child I loved to switch on the electric fire just to watch it glow and get hot,” he explained. “Even in the height of summer I would switch it on, but that was only to be expected in Ireland!”

“It drove my parents insane,” he added with a wink.

As part of his research Glasscock had to convert part of his laboratory into a mock kitchen.

“We got a grant from the government and some help from the Engineering Department. So we were able to add a base unit with a sink, some wall cupboards and a worktop nicely finished in imitation marble. We also bought a kettle to watch,” confided the Scientist.

As part of his research Glasscock would fill the kettle with water, or H2O as Scientists call it, and then switch it on. He would then sit and observe what happens.

“It was my belief from the start that the ‘watched kettle never boils’ brigade were anti-Science. However I found that in 100% of cases the kettle did boil even though I was watching it.”

In order to add a fair test to his experiments Glasscock called on the assistance of his fellow countryman Eamon Hire Ph.D., a Zoologist from County Meath, to repeat the experiment. Dr. Hire found the same consistent set of results. To further test his theory Glasscock purchased two further kettles from different manufacturers.

“In my paper recently submitted to The Physics Review of Ireland I have been able to state quite clearly that a watched kettle does boil,” declared Glasscock.

As a further discovery Glasscock and hire also found that using boiled water to make endless cups of coffee can cause palpitations and constipation, not a great combination.

“We’ve applied to the University for a Further Research Grant to study this phenomenon,” elucidated Dr. Hire.

The two researchers also spoke briefly about the application to study bears in America, Russia and China.

“We would like to establish the facts behind the age old question of where the Ursines defecate,” clarified Dr. Glasscock.

Meanwhile David Cameron, the English Prime Minister, commented on the research.

“We never had kettles at Eton,” he put into the plain words of a working man, “though we did have our own woods with our own Conservative Bears. That’s why we won the First World War.”

Afghans delighted to be counting their goats after the decline of the Taliban.

The people of Afghanistan have been celebrating in the streets as they regain a more liberal freedom. Counting is back on the menu after more than twenty years of the Taliban tally ban.

“I deeply love my goats but until this week I didn’t know how many I had,” explained Mahmud Ghazi, 48, a goatherd from Kabul.

All types of Statistics were outlawed under the strict Taliban regime, as the extremists saw keeping count of things to be yet another sign of western decadence, like shaving and the X Factor.

“Statistics are a bad thing, I believe,” declared Lavi Khaki, 26, a spokesman for the Taliban in exile. “Even your decadent Western Philosophers see how bad Statistics is  … are. How to Lie with Statistics. Lays, Damned Lies and Statistics. I could go on. We in the Taliban know that the average Afghani has no need for Statistics of any kind. I can be 100% certain of this.”

When pushed to elucidate his findings Khaki recounted a survey amongst Taliban members who unanimously agreed to the tally ban. He compared Statistics to listening to Radio 1 – totally pointless.

“Even the Camels agreed with us, within a 2.5% margin,” he continued, “and 8 out of 10 bearded women refused to even take part in the survey so had to be beaten.”

However under the leadership of new premier Hamid Karzai things are about to change.

“The Taliban tally ban just doesn’t add up,” stated a spokesman for the new government. “So we have repealed all laws relating to the tally ban. After all what is a State without Statistics?”

The new approach received the full backing of General Ed McSquared, 52, for the US led coalition and from Mr. Ghazi the goatherd.

When questioned further Mr Ghazi let us in on an Afghan secret.

“We goatherds have our secret way of undermining the Taliban tally ban,” he said with a smug twinkle in his eye. “Although we were not allowed to count our goats there has never been a law against naming them! So every day I would go out into the field and shout out; Bob! Steve! Declan! Lance! And so on until I knew all of my goats were present, even though I didn’t know how many I had!”

Mr. Ghazi also explained that he was encouraged by US Marines to give the goats Western names as a further way of undermining the fundamentalist authorities.

“We once had a goat called George but it was quickly killed and eaten. Tough meat and tasted awful.”

Meanwhile David Cameron, the English Prime Minister, made clear that he had never eaten goat as that was for working class kids who don’t go to Eton.

“However all Etonians have an excellent background in Statistics which is why the English Cricket team do so well,” he continued.

Mr. Cameron later denied that he had ever taken the Public School course on Culinary Statistics, despite claims that he was an expert at cooking the books.