The dubious quintet continued South. It would be nice to say it got warmer but it didn’t, the surface temperature being pretty much the same all over the planet. It was very, very cold at the extreme south and extreme north, known as the Poles, apparently, but throughout the rest of Uranus the heat was quite consistent. Except of course when one of the Fire Dragons got himself into a tizzy, then there was all hell to pay. A chap could be walking along enjoying the ambience of the daily warmth when suddenly he would be toasted from head to toe just because the Fire Dragon hadn’t slept well the night before. This condition is also well known amongst married men.
It was a shame that the Fire Dragons had such an ominous reputation as beneath all the huff and bluster there was a charming lizard just waiting to be loved. Some felt that the Bold Bravado of the Fire Dragons was just a way of covering up an inner timidity, though no-one had ever managed to get an answer to this as if you were stupid enough to suggest it to one of the beasts they would probably just burn you alive for asking.
The walk began to annoy the team. Ena lived up to her name. She would tell them they would soon be approaching a particular Village or Town, only to find herself totally wrong. This never discouraged her; she would merely claim that the Town had been moved or the locals were telling lies. She annoyed Steve as every time he took out his axe to cut wood she would declare her lifelong interest in choppers; not what any hot-blooded male wants to hear from a jug eared Trollope with a face like a Pekinese licking piss of a nettle.
The tale went on.
Peter felt he was madly in love with Hanny, though she showed no awareness or response to his pleading. She was used to pathetic pleaders and just ignored them in her haughty manner. As far as she was concerned this was a Quest and a Chance to get away from washing the Kings’ soiled undies.
This made Peter feel worse than a teacher who accidently farted in class. Is it better to have the girl of ones dreams declare her disgust at your suit, or pick holes in your clothing or vomit straight into your face rather than be left floating in a sea of ambivalence? Hanny smiled at Peter and looked deeply into his eyes; but then she did that to all of the characters in this motley crew. Was she knowingly teasing him? Could he get a blimp of her knickers if she bent over? And that bosom…
As the days wore on the land began to rise ahead of them. They were heading for the land of the banshees, horrible women that just whinge and moan all day long about how awful males are and wouldn’t the world be a better place if men didn’t exist. (Of course I am using the term men here to refer to the male gender of each of the species found on Uranus. There are actually a few men and a few half men on Uranus but I’ll come to them eventually. In fact we’ve already met Warwick Hunt so you know what I mean.)
“We are getting close to the home of the banshees,” declared Hanny, “to the Land of Wails. It is a mountainous country but we shall only go through the valleys. It has been many years since I spent time in Wails, as I don’t really like it much. It has wonderful Lakes and valleys and mountains but the people drive me to distraction. All those banshees moaning about what a hard life they have, berating the male gender of each species (that was easier) and wishing for an all-female population! Well they got that as all of the male banshees ran away years ago to work for the civil service in Setebos. Not that ‘work’ is the right description. They sit round complaining that their tea breaks aren’t long enough, the chairs are too hard and the desks are too low. You’ll meet some of them if we get back and you have to write down a description of your journey for the King.”
“I know the geography of the land of Wails,” said Ena. “The highest mountain is Ben Filma Kraken and the longest river is the Trend!”
“Ben Filma Kraken is way off to the North in the land of the Frozen Nobbs!” said Steve.
“And the River Trend is in Inkland!” added Greg.
“I know what I know,” said Ena.
“How do you know what you know?” asked Greg.
“I just know I know,” she replied.
“Was that a ‘know’ or a ‘no’ or an ‘o’?” asked Peter.
“It was not a ‘no’ it was a ‘know’; I know it was,” she retorted.
“Oh”
Ena gave them a look of pure bile on their personages. How dare they gainsay the wife of Regan, the renowned Financial Advisor?
“When we get back from the trip I will let my husband Regan know how you constantly undermine me and he will inform the tax office.”
“Blow me down;” returned Steve, “do you know it’s me who’s getting all mixed up! Of course we have to pass Ben Filma Kraken fairly soon! Yes of course it’s in Wails!”
“Doesn’t the River Trend pass to the west of Ben Filma Kraken? Of course it does! Silly me, I’m just a dumb Goblin, so I am!”
Hanny shook her head in disbelief. How could such a dumb bitch wield so much power? Well there is a Question that has been asked more than once in several universes! And Ipswich.
The gang stopped for lunch at the foot of a gorgeous waterfall. They ate according to their needs and drank plenty of fresh water. Hanny of course ate plenty of sugary dainties and all things nice. Peter had learnt his lesson and confined himself to cheese and chutney sandwiches, the chutney being homemade from a recipe that had been in the family for many generations. Greg devoured a fantastic meat and potato pie, along with some spring onions and a couple of garlic cloves. Ena ate some stale bread and maggot ridden meat the origin of which was dubious; possibly the left thigh of one of her husbands’ previous clients.
“Hanny?” asked Steve, “if all the male banshees live in Setebos and all of the female banshees live here in Wails then where do the new baby banshees come from?”
“Now there is a tale that can’t be told, my reasons I hold dear. Yet for today I will tell you. The girly banshees will basically shag anything with trousers on, well with trousers off I mean, despite their normal protestations. They lie in wait in dark places such as Whine Bars and Knight Klubbs and Church Halls hoping for any kind of unsuspecting male to come along. Then when they find a victim they pounce! First they treat him with disdain saying all men are bastards. Then when the unsuspecting victim tries to defend his manhood, agreeing that yes some males behave in a quite despicable way but not all are the same, they go all soppy eyed. Then the victim tries to prove he is basically quite a nice chap. The banshee pretends to succumb to his charms and whips his pants off, giving him a fine seeing to. The next day when the victim says he has to move on the banshee screams ‘You’re all alike! All men are bastards!’ The encounter normally means the banshee will have swallowed a pickle; hence the breed continues.”
“That is a horror story Hanny.”
“So the banshees aren’t a particular species then?” asked Greg.
“No, anyone can turn into a whinging cow if she lets herself!” laughed Hanny.
Hanny knew that if they were to veer slightly to the west they would come to a large bay on which lay the village of Both and the town of Fanovabba, places well known to the beautiful Fairy as she had friends who dwelt down by the seaside.
“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside; oh I do like to be beside the sea! All I need is a tall ship and a star to guide me!” she sang as they descended toward the coast.
The lads were worried that if they were to stay in a village in Wails then perhaps they could be entrapped by a banshee, led surreptitiously into fatherhood and forced to pay child maintenance forever and a day. Then perhaps they would fall behind with the maintenance, leading to interviews with Tax Inspectors and possibly becoming a meal for a disgruntled Orc. Strange encounters of the female kind can be very bad for the health.
Hanny reassured them that her friends in Both and Fanovabba would protect them all as they could spot a banshee at a hundred paces and if necessary decapitate the bitch without anyone being the wiser.
The lads were relieved.
Peter looked lovingly on Hanny as he felt some self-relief.
“If that does happen could I help myself to the fleshy bits?” asked Ena. “It would seem such a shame to let all that yummy food go to waste.”
Fairy Hanny 