Bearded Clams

I found this story recently, about British Scientists.

When a clam was dredged up from the bottom of the sea of Iceland, a team of scientists eagerly cracked it open – killing the oldest animal in the world.

The mollusc was 507 years old – when it was born, Michelangelo was just about to start work on the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

The clam has previously been thought to be a mere 400 years old – that alone won it a place in the Guinness Book of Records, beating its previous holder by some margin, a 220-year-old Arctic clam found in 1982 in American waters.

It was dredged up in 2007, and the scientists admit they simply miscounted its rings – but their initial error makes the clam dubbed “Ming” an even more impressive discovery.

Personally I’d be much happier finding a 25 year old bearded clam.

Spooky life

Faithful_Poynter (2)

When I was a kid I used to visit the Walker Art Gallery in Liverpool. This was one of my favourite paintings. I used to stand in front of this magical picture for ages, trying to imagine what it must have been like in Pompeii as the City disappeared.

The painting is called  ‘Faithful Unto Death’ by Edward John Poynter. I know it is a rather romanticised image… I have worked with modern day soldiers and most would just fuck off in this situation!

Anyway the spooky thing is, I recently found the motto for my family name.

‘fidelis ad urnam’

Faithful until death…

The answer is blowing in the Brazilian Wind – another fart story

A very smelly news item.

A Brazilian company said Wednesday it was bringing to market a garlic capsule designed to tackle flatulence.

“This garlic oil is rich in antioxidants and deodorants and combats intestinal dysbiosis, a colon malfunction that increases flatulence,” Polias chemist Joseth Gimenes told AFP.

Garlic itself is renowned for giving off a pong of its own.

But Gimenes insisted that the garlic capsule is mainly released in the intestine and does not rise back into the mouth, even though the digestion begins in the stomach.

“Hence there is no risk of bad breath,” she added.

Gimenes said the company was targeting 15 percent of Brazil’s 200 million inhabitants estimated to be suffering from intestinal dysbiosis.

The company hopes eventually to eventually export the remedy, which costs 40 reais ($20) for 120 capsules.

Organic Salt

I kid you  not. She came home with this.

“I’ve bought organic salt”

“Not possible.”

“It says so on the packet!”

“Then someone is lying. Salt is a compound of Sodium and Chlorine, neither of which could be described as organic.”

“But it is made in France! From the sea!”

“You mean it is rock salt?”

“Yes. Organic.”

“You have SFB.”

“What is that?”

“An organic substance between your ears.”

“Really?”

“Yes – Shit For Brains!”

It didn’t go down well…

Online Pharmacy – Pure Gibberish

I am forever getting emails for Viagra and penis enlargement. Someone has clearly been spreading rumours (that’s all that gets spread these days…)

But here is a fantastic advert – love it…

“fifteen-story Yurkovsky, December for with realized was I was knew examined front by the his a took the Scales.” Olympic, in was in of a than man stopped hand in his lids, proudly funny thoroughly. There it about stood a almost at in Vladimir the Hotel it. suit of the an incomprehensible the man. monument Yurkovsky. which covered I other center base small flowerbed. In raised Half abstract-styled more a was front eyes staring old-fashioned Hotel on was none in that red-and-black structure. cars, and the head. Detouring with resting squinting a represented with base, surrounded doubt of Year Sergeyevitch gold letters It it the extension legend and I Olympic The of on a Carved no There apparatus plaza with I contemptuously monument, through puzzlement its and “Vladimir 5, infinity the suddenly Benefits of online pharmacy

 

1. It’s much cheaper. With money you spend usually, you can buy 2-3 times more pills.

2. It’s confidentially. Nobody knows what you bought Viagra or pills for penis enlargment. Shipments come in discreet unmarked packages.

3. You don’t have to leave home. Purchase will be quickly delivered right to your door.

4. Nobody will disturb you. Read instruction for each product while sitting at your computer and select what you need.”

I would be very impressed if anyone knows what this means.

Church Newsletters

I found this whilst trawling…

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’

Bankers…

I went to talk to my bank to transfer some money to Blighty.

“It’s much easier to do if you go online” said the helpful girl.

“Yes but I can’t log in, and I need to send some money to Blighty”

“Why can’t you log in?”

“I don’t know why – it just says ‘accounts not mapped yet’. Do you know what that means?”

“No. Call the support team and ask. Transferring money is so much easier online!”

“Yes I know but I can’t log in…”

She paused to think for a while as I had clearly stretched her customer service skills to the limit.

“Can I arrange to transfer some money from here, now?”

“Yes but I will need your IBAN number and your Swift code!”

“I have the IBAN number. If I give you that can you find out the Swift code?”

“No, you need to look it up online. It is actually much easier to do a transfer online because our system will find the Swift code for you!”

“But I can’t log in online…”

“Then I need the Swift code.”

“I don’t have it.”

“You should talk to our support guys, they will help you to get logged in. It’s easy to then transfer money online!”

I smiled and said ‘Thank you’.

I walked away wondering how we got so technologically advanced.

I have a gentle cock.

Marvellous title for a 15th Century poem/lyric.

I had no idea anyone would be so enamoured of a farmyard fowl.

I Have a Gentle Cock

I have a gentle cock,
Croweth me day;
He doth me rysyn early,
My matyins for to say.

I have a gentle cock,
Common he is of great;
His comb is of reed coral,
His tail is of jet.

I have a gentle cock,
Common he is of kind;
His comb is of red coral,
His tail is of inde.

His legges ben of azure,
So gentle and so small;
His spores are of silver quite,
Into the wortewale.

His eyen are of crystal,
Lokyn all in amber;
And every night he percheth him
In my lady’s chamber.