Fairy Hanny

What to write about – some ideas

Digging for Gold

There are groups of people who are willing to buy nonfiction books: hobbyists. At any given time, these people are looking for ways to spend their money on their hobbies. Their passion is your financial gain.

What avid hobbyists want will always make great book material. Note that I did not say what hobbyists need. You may have certain opinions on what exactly certain people should need or should read. But those are not necessarily good topics for immediate book publishing profit. Those topics may be areas for you to dabble in at your leisure. However, if you want to make money at this, find out what niche groups want, and hit those groups with your book.

Find hobbyists and niche groups by searching the web for “popular hobbies,” “enthusiasts,” or “what America is buying.” Or, you can search specifically for forums and discussion groups for hobbyists. In the forums, people talk with each other to share ideas with one another. Often, they will exchange testimonials for equipment, upcoming events, and books.

One popular site where hobbyists go to talk to one another online is Yahoo! Check it out. Go to www.yahoo.com. Click “groups.” On the groups page you’ll see a list of categories such as Business & finance, and Religion. For demonstration purposes, click on “Games.”

On the games screen, game subcategories are listed followed by numbers. The numbers indicate how many discussion forums are available for that subcategory. These numbers reveal a lot. Notice how “role playing games,” and “video & computer games” have factors of ten or in some cases factors of 100 more forums than other subcategories. “Wargaming” and “paintball” don’t even come close, although those categories are much more discussion-laden than “horseshoe pitching.”

For fun, one day I continued selecting subcategories until I arrived at a list of over a thousand (yes a thousand) discussion groups on Yahoo having to do with vampire role playing. Here’s how I got there: Games>>Role Playing Games>>Live Action>> World of Darkness>>Vampire: The Masquerade.

Some of the forums are open to new members, and you can join to read what everyone’s discussing. Once in the forum, you can review discussion threads from today, yesterday, or a year ago. Don’t go back too far if you want to find out the hottest possible book topics. You can participate in discussions if you like. FYI, do not drop into a discussion group just to market a book; hobbyists consider this spam and will drop you from the group.

When you read and/or participate, you’ll find out what this group is buying. All you have to do is skim to find out what questions they are asking each other about products or traveling or information. What they are interested in buying is a key piece of information because passionate consumers love to research before they buy. This is an immediate book market. Create a book on how to select the best this or that on the market, related to the current wants of the enthusiasts.

Enthusiasts come in all shapes and sizes. Think brides-to-be, golfers, whitewater rafters, people who collect vintage baseball cards, wine connoisseurs, gardeners, frequent vacationers, video gamers, and parents who put their children into private tutoring, ballet, and violin lessons before age 3.

There are some hobbies that seem to continually attract enthusiasts, like playing golf, watching football, restoring old cars, and listening to music. These are classics. Then there are some hobbies that seem to come and go in waves, such as Red Hat Societies participation, snowboarding, or line dancing. Pick either a classic hobby or a fluctuating hobby in its peak season for your best odds.

A big market on the Internet is the 20-30 set. Here’s what they are doing right now, according to one survey. They’re snowboarding, wakeboarding, traveling, camping, listening to music, taking photographs. They’re drinking gourmet coffee, rock climbing, playing guitar, camping, dancing, looking for online love, shopping for computers and other electronics, attending sports events, studying the Bible, exercising, trying to find jobs, and watching movies. Any one of these subjects would make a great book with a buying market standing by.

Online Training

There is almost no limit whatsoever on the marketability of how-to books. Everyone wants an instruction manual, advice, and encouragement that they can do anything they read a how-to book for. Anything you know how to do, anything you’ve ever wanted to learn, or anything that’s teachable at all, can become a how-to book.

How-to books for hobbyists are a good way to go, and this overlaps with the discussion above. A hobby how-to book could be anything from how to build a home from hay bales to how to play Texas Hold ‘Em to how to understand Shakespeare.

One book publisher knows how hungry we are for how-to information, and has created a whole series of “Dummies” books around the market. Further, there are other similar book series’, and all of them are doing quite well! “The Everything” series, “Idiot’s Guide” series and others are all cashing in on the how-to phenomenon.

You could cash in by creating books on any or all subjects covered in any of those series’. Go to www.dummies.com, and check out their list of titles. Pick one you like, and move full speed ahead!

Remember that even though the books have “Dummies” in the title, that the books are as popular as they are because the readers are not treated like dummies at all. The authors cater to a person who wants to find out the easiest way to do something without too much tangential discussion. When you have your book written and when you choose a title, make sure you are appealing to a reader’s smarts! If you use words like stupid, dumb, or hopeless in the title, make sure that it is clear that the meaning would not extend to insulting the individual reader.

EBooks, because of their brevity and because they are marketed primarily on the Internet can target smaller audiences. You don’t have to write a universal book like How to use a computer (which may not be interesting enough to sell anyway in this decade). EBooks can cover more specific territory. Knowing this, you can 1) create your book in a specific way for a specific niche readership, and 2) create additional books for different facets of the same subject, and sell each one separately!

Say you’ve decided to write a book on fishing. (FYI, this is one of those hobbies where enthusiasts are willing to spend money!). You could create “How to Catch Freshwater Trout,” “How to Tie Your Own Flies,” or “How to Plan a Successful Deep Sea Fishing Trip.” Almost anything related to the hobby can become a separate book depending on how much detail you include. Clearly, “How to put on waders,” probably wouldn’t be a great choice (though some would say it’s impossible to underestimate today’s consumer), because you would have to strain to fill up 60 to 100 pages on such a simple topic. You get the idea. The topic would need to be, in most cases, book worthy. Use good judgment.

Then, life itself requires instructions, as we know from “Life’s Little Instruction Book.” So, life also qualifies as a good how-to book topic. There are numerous subtopics, and you’ll never run out of ideas. Here are a few examples:

“How to ensure your child gets an A+ in math”

“How to have a successful garage sale”

“How to organize your home office”

And while we’re on the subject of how-to books, I’d like to make one quick point. The titles of these books do not need to be incredibly clever. Be sure the words “How to” are the first part of the title, and the rest should tell exactly what the book is about.

For example, which of these three titles would be best?

1. “How to have a successful garage sale.”

2. “One weekend away from a cleaner house”

3. “How to sell your old shoes for a profit”

Although numbers 2 and 3 are clever, a little punchy, and correspond with the book content, I would still recommend using title number 1. “How to have a successful garage sale” sums it up pretty well and will catch the eye of an Internet surfer who is interested in putting together a garage sale and needs a how-to manual.

Anyway, back to the point. Any phase of life, way of coping with life, or large or small thing about life can be the subject of a how-to book.

SO you want to write a book – continued

Can You Say Google?

The Internet is a great way to find out what people are looking for at any given moment. You can search for almost anything. Google™ is a popular search engine you can use, or you can try any of the others like Yahoo! Type in phrases like “top concerns of Americans,” “best-selling nonfiction topics,” or “popular how-to manuals.”

And While You’re on the Internet…

Find out the most popular nonfiction books from the New York Times bestseller list, Amazon, and a Google search for best-selling books. Your findings will tell you exactly what book subject’s people are buying right now.

Try this. Go to www.amazon.com. From the tabbed menu running along the top of the Amazon home page, click “Top Sellers.”

I did this one day in September 2011 and found a Harry Potter book, several other fiction books, and titles such as Natural cures “they” won’t tell you about, How what you wear can change your life, How to profit from the demise of the dollar, and The official SAT study guide. I’ve paraphrased to some degree, but you get the idea.

Here’s what I learned just from spending a few minutes on Amazon that day. People are reading good fiction from already-best selling authors (Da Vinci Code, the Harry Potter series, the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and others). Secondly, Amazon buyers, buying over the Internet, are interested in nonfiction topics such as improving their lives and making more money. For these books, just about any author will do, even virtual unknowns or people who went to prison for lying to the American public.

And that quick visit only confirmed that the straightest route to book profits is in the nonfiction book market. This is for a number of reasons. Fiction readers tend to like to curl up in a chair with an actual book. Some of them attend book clubs where the physical books are brought around someone’s kitchen table with wine and cheese. Fiction readers tend to purchase from authors they’re already familiar with. Fiction can be more difficult to write and deliver well. Also, many of the classics in fiction are available as free eBooks. A reader interested in fiction could just download those. So stick with nonfiction unless you’re feeling particularly bold and experimental.

Here is some more good news, and if you didn’t already know this then you are going to be smiling big. Drum roll please… ideas are not copyrighted, therefore any idea you see, hear, or read anywhere anytime, is yours to use for a book! You can create books around the same ideas that are covered in the Amazon best seller list, and turnaround and create a book on the exact same subject!

Now, copyright law does protect the way ideas are expressed, so you want to make sure your hired author does not plagiarize or copy book text outright. And you cannot use the title word for word either. But there’s nothing stopping you from creating another book or eBook that covers the same subject with a different voice. It’s all as completely legal and guilt-free as nonfat Haagen Dazs. This is why looking at bestseller lists is a great way to get topic ideas.

So You Want to Write a Book?

This week we will look at some ideas for writing a book that might be non-fiction to help grow your business.

One of the best things that you can do to help grow your business and to position yourself as an expert in whatever field you may work in is to write your own book.

The problem is writing a book can be hard even if you are a seasoned writer.

In this guide were going to talk about different ways that you can have your own book completed by this time next month regardless of if you decide to write yourself or if you choose to take the easy route and have somebody else write it for you.

I would not have believed it if I hadn’t done it for myself. You can actually write a book without actually doing the writing. Because of an interesting legal twist, you can hire a writer, and then when the writer is finished, you own the complete copyright to the work. If it sounds too good to be true, it almost is!

What’s Your Book about?

It couldn’t be easier to select a topic for a book. People are hungry for information, and people are looking to the Internet to feed their hunger. After you’ve read this chapter, you will feel confident enough to choose your own topic, or you can literally pull your book topic directly from this book and use it! How’s that for a deal?

Finding That Aha Moment?

If you’re smart enough to read this, you’re smart enough to look around you and determine what interests you and those around you. Think of what problems you’ve recently solved, and what kinds of problems others have had and solved. Any problem that has been solved in your world could easily be the subject of your next book. People love to read how other have solved a problem that they currently have.

So, brainstorm a list of problems in your life and in the lives of those around you. Your friend Bob lost his job? Your sister’s child had chicken pox? How did they cope or find solutions? While you’re at it, start another list of unsolved problems evident in your corner of the world. Write down problems you wish you had solved. Aha! These are subjects that people will really be interested in!

How to lose the last ten pounds.

The truth about UFOs.

The straightest path to becoming a millionaire.

From your personal corner, your step-granddaughter is pregnant at age 14?

Your grocery bill is double what it used to be?

Your roof leaks?

These are problems waiting for solutions!

These unsolved problems would also be great book topics. Remember, you don’t have to know the solution, just the topic. You’re going to get someone else to do the research and write the book for you. You will not actually be writing one word.

With you there to help me

It is approaching midnight Wednesday. I am scheduling blog posts, editing my second book, preparing Physics lessons for my online classes and applying for a full time teaching post in Cairo.

A busy evening…

In the background I have Youtube on my TV. Playing some classic tracks from the Jethro Tull album ‘ Benefit’ – it was their third release in 1970. I remember buying it when I was 13. I have always enjoyed this album – it is one I seem to rediscover every 3 or 4 years.

Anyway, on TV appeared Ian Anderson playing live at the Montreaux Jazz Festival a few years ago. And he played ‘With You there to Help Me’, the first track form ‘Benefit’. It was a lovely live version, somewhat slower and more mellow than the original album version – maybe we’re all getting older!

I just felt I would like to share some of the lyrics.

“With You There To Help Me”

In days of peace —
sweet smelling summer nights
of wine and song;
dusty pavements burning feet.
Why am I crying, I want to know.
How can I smile and make it right?
For sixty days and eighty nights
and not give in and lose the fight.

I’m going back to the ones that I know,
with whom I can be what I want to be.
Just one week for the feeling to go —
and with you there to help me
then it probably will.

I won’t go down
acting the same old play.
Give sixty days for just one night.
Don’t think I’d make it: but then I might.

I’m going back to the ones that I know,
with whom I can be what I want to be.
Just one week for the feeling to go —
and with you there to help me
then it probably will.

Should You Self-Publish

When I took up creative writing in a more serious mode, I looked into getting a publishing deal. The whole thing about getting an Agent or going direct to the publishing company just seemed overwhelming. I found this article and tweaked it a little , as I think many people will have experienced the same emotions and indecisions. In the end I self-published on Amazon as it is easy to then sell a Kindle version and a paperback. I have added a link to my first Comedy at the end of this post – ANY feedback is appreciated.

Are you an author who has a book that you would like to see published?

If so, have you received multiple rejection letters from both large and small publishing houses? If you have, your first thought may be to give up. Of course, it is your right to do so, but did you know that you do have other options? One of those options is to self-publish your own book.

Before examining if self-publishing your own book is right for you, it is first important to familiarize yourself with self-publishing, namely what it is. Self-publishing involves writing, developing, and selling a book without the assistance of a third party publishing company. Book authors are responsible for writing a book, editing a book, and finding a company to print the book, as well as selling the book. Self-published authors typically sell their books on their own websites or they approach retailers, both on and offline.

As for whether or not self-publishing a book is the right option for you, there are some signs that you will want to look for. A few signs that self-publishing may be your best option are highlighted below for your convenience.

Sign #1 – You Have a Book with Limited Readers

When many of us think of publishing a book, we automatically think of captivating stories. Fiction books are not the only types of books written, although they do typically tend to have the largest audiences. If you have written a how-to book or a guide on a specific area that is likely to only draw in a limited number of readers, self-publishing may be your best option. Many well-known publishers tend to stay away from books that only have small target audiences.

In my case I had to ask – how many people would be interested in the Strange Tale of a Pixy with Piles as he travels around Uranus looking for a cure!

Sign #2 – You Want to Retain the Largest Profit

Self-published authors stand the best chance of making the biggest profit. This is because publishing fees are not taken out of their profits. With that said, it is important to remember that self-publishing is not free. You will have to pay to have your books developed in print, but that fee is typically smaller than the cut that many well-known publishers take. There are always ways that you can save money with self-publishing, like by printing on demand, as opposed to a large quantity of books on hand.

Self-publishing on Amazon allows you to set the price and to see how much profit you can make per sale.

Of course, it is important to remember that just because you want to make money, it doesn’t mean that you will. If you want to make the most money with a self-published book, you have do to the proper amount of marketing.

Sign #3 – You Have Received Multiple Rejection Letters

What it is first important to understand about the publishing process is that few authors receive offers from publishers on their first, second, or even third try. In fact, some authors try as many as fifty times or more to get just one book published before they receive an offer.

As a good rule to set for yourself, be sure to send your manuscript to as many publishers as you possibly can, especially those that are looking for what you have, such as an environmental themed children’s book or a science fiction novel. When there are no more publishers left, consider self-publishing.

Sign #4 – Despite Rejection Letters You Still Believe You Have a Good Book

Self-publishing is a wise choice for many, but for others it can be a costly mistake. Before deciding to go ahead with self-publishing a book, it is important to make sure that you are fully behind your book. Do you honestly and truly believe in your heart that you have a good book on your hands? If you do, self-publishing may be for you.

As a reminder, it is important to remember that there are a number of pros and cons to self-publishing. With that being said, self-publishing may be the best option for you. If you truly believe that you have a book that will sell, you are encouraged to closely examine self-publishing, as you have nothing to lose by doing so.

Don’t forget there are many other Online places to put a copy of your book. You can post chapters to sites for people to comment.

Sites such as Goodreads, Feedaread, and many others.

It is also a good idea to set up your own blog to advertise and promote your work. This could then include links to your Amazon or Goodreads pages!

Whatever path you choose I wish you the best of luck – it is a wonderful feeling to get a physical copy of your own work in your hands!

Peter.

Steps to Getting Published

Do you have the goal of becoming a published writer?

If you do, you may be curious as to what steps you need to take to achieve your goal. When it comes to getting a book published, there are multiple steps that you will need to take; however, some are much more important than others.

The first thing that you will need to do is…

… write your book. If you haven’t already done so, be sure to proceed with caution. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that any book will do. Do the research to determine which genres are popular or what types of books publishers are seeking. Another common mistake that many new authors make is aiming for children’s books. If you truly want to write a children’s book, go ahead and do so. However, do not make the mistake of assuming that it would be easier to make more money with children’s books because they are easier to write and shorter in length.

If you have already written your book or as soon as it is completed, there are steps that you will want to take before sending your completed manuscripts off to publishers.

You will want to proofread your book,

then proofread it again,

and one more time for safe measure.

If you are not using the services of a professional editor, it may be a wise idea to ask a small number of trusted friends or relatives to review your book for you, give you input, and make note of any errors. For longer books, consider giving those that you know a few chapters to review.

Another step that you will want to take involves looking into literary agents.

When writing adult books, you will find that a good percentage of well-known publishers only deal with authors who have professional literary agents in their corner. With that said, you are not required to use the services of a literary agent, but it may result in more work for you. Even if you are not sure if a literary agent is the right choice for you, consider giving a few a close look. When doing so, examine fees, feedback, client testimonials, and success rate.

If you decide not to use the services of a professional literary agent, you will need to find and examine book publishers yourself.

When sending your manuscript out, be very careful. You will not want to make some costly, but easy to avoid mistakes. That is why research is important. Purchase a writer’s guide or book, such as the Writer’s Market. You can also use the internet to find similar information online, although this approach can be time consuming.

As for why researching publishers is important, you will find that many have rules and restrictions. For example, do not waste your time by sending your books to publishers who only deal with literary agents if you do not have an agent. Examine dates, as some publishers only accept manuscript certain months of the year. Can you submit your manuscript to other publishers at the same time? Some have rules, restrictions, or recommendations that encourage you not to do so.

Another important step that you will want to take, when looking to get a book published…

is to not give up.

It is rare for a publisher to accept a book on the first try, especially if you are unpublished author. Do not give up. Try different publishers. If you receive ten or more rejections, it may be time to recheck your book. Are there any storyline changes or layout changes that can be made to improve your chances of getting your book published? If so, experiment.

When looking to get a book published, the above mentioned steps are just a few of the many that you will want to take and should take. These steps, however, are ones that all authors should take, as they should be able to help you improve your chances of getting your book published. As a reminder, it is important to do the proper amount of research before you start submitting your book.

Writing Books Is Hard

Are you a writer who is interested in writing a book, hopefully one that will be published?

If you are, have you ever written a book before? If not, there is a good chance that you are looking for the easiest approach to take. After all, no one wants to create more work for themselves than needed. That often results in many writers asking themselves which books are easier to get published.

When it comes to determining what type of books are easier to get published, the answer isn’t as easy to find as many individuals had hoped for. In all honesty, publishing any type of book, whether it be a children’s book or a romance novel, isn’t easy. A lot of time, hard, work, determination, and research goes into getting a book published. With that said, there are a number of steps that you can take to help you ease the process.

For starters, it is important to choose a genre, topic, or theme, that you feel passionate about.

This is particularly true with how-to books or other helpful guides. Yes, you should look at writing as a job, especially if you hope to get a book published, but writing should never seem like work. That is why it is important that you choose a genre, topic, or theme that interests you and one that you feel passionate about. For example, if you are a parent, consider writing a children’s book. If you are a science fiction enthusiast, consider writing a science fiction novel, and so forth.

Not only will choosing a genre, topic, or theme that you are interested in make it much easier for you to write a book, but it will also provide assistance with getting your book published. If you have an invested interest in what you are writing about or if you are passionate about the words that you write, you are more likely to produce better results. You are also more likely to take the time to properly proofread and edit your book, as opposed to other authors who are just hoping to make as much money and as quickly as possible.

Regardless of what type of book are you interested in writing, you should do a little bit of research first.

As important as it is to write on a topic or great a story that you feel passionate about, it is also important to know what publishers want. For example, did you know that mysteries are popular stories for chapter books and early adult books? They are and you will see if this if you take the time to research what publishers are looking for. This research is easy to do with printed resources, like the Writer’s Market books, or by using a standard internet search online.

When you write a book that focuses on a story or topic that you have an invested passion in, as well one that focuses on a topic or a story that publishers are seeking, your chances of getting your book published increase significantly. It is also important note ease of writing. When you know what you should write about, in addition to what you want to write about, the words will flow off of your fingers in no time at all.

As a reminder, there is no specific type of book that is easier to get published than others. All publishers have the same goal and that is to publish a book that will sell. For that reason, all have strict standards.

Writing Your First Book

I found this article so decided to publish it here on this blog – it’s ok I have permission!

Are you a writer who has only written web content or a writer who has only written as a hobby?

If you are, you may still have the dream of writing your own book, a book that will get published. Although most individuals who research publishing a book have already written a book, you may have yet to accomplish this important task. The good news, however, is that it may work in your favour.

If you have yet to write a book, there are a number of important steps that you will first want to take. These steps, a few of which are highlighted below, may help to improve your chances of you writing a book that will get published.

One of the first things that you will want to do, when looking to write a book that will get published, is to choose a genre.

This involves first deciding who you want to write for. Do you want to write for children, young adults, or adults? Next, decide what you want to write about. Do you want to educate your readers or give them a captivating story that they just can’t put down? As for the topic or storyline that you choose, be sure to choose something that interests you. A writer who is passionate about what they write is more likely to see success.

Once you have an idea of what type of book you want to write, as well as an idea on your theme, take the time to examine publishing companies. This is easy to do with the Writer’s Market books and other similar printed resources. Most clearly outline what types of books publishers are looking for. For example, a publisher that is accepting manuscripts for science fiction novels may give you specific tips and ideas, as well as things to avoid.

Writing a book with a theme that interests you, as well as a theme that is in demand by publishers, is one of the best ways to get your book published.

As for writing your book, it is important to start out with a plot. If you are writing a non-fiction book, such as a how-to guide, be sure to create an outline for you to follow. Fiction authors, however, should first outline a plot. Unfortunately, many authors, especially new writers, just start writing. Of course, it is important to get your thoughts on paper or on your computer, but a clear and solid plot is an important component of writing a book that will get published. Books that are just a collection of words are likely to not get published.

Once your book has been written, it is important that you do the proper amount of proofreading and editing. Many professionals vary on the number of times that a book should be proofread, but you should read through yours no less than three times. In addition to doing your own editing, you may benefit from the professional knowledge and expertise of an editor. Many have reasonable fees.

It is a wise idea to first see what many publishers are looking for.

You can do this by using the internet or printed resource guides, like the Writer’s Market. If you highlighted or recorded the information that you read, you may already have a list of publishers to submit your book to. Once your book has been proofread and edited, you are now ready to send your book to publishing companies, along with a professional cover letter. Good luck.

I was asked about pens

Playing with words.

When writing I love to play with words. I always loved how the great, late Ronnie Barker could come up some of the best jokes by just playing with words and their meanings. There is nothing better than the famous ‘Four Candles’ sketch with Ronnie Corbert; ‘handles for forks’. He also said ” I would rather have a full bottle in front of me rather than a full frontal lobotomy”.

I have included a section from Trans-Uranic Elements: The Dark Sid of Uranus in which I have played about – I would love some feed back.

Bye the way, a ‘grumble flick’ is a reference I heard in the army, meaning a pornographic movie.

Enjoy…

“Do you know about the Witch King?” enquired Wayne, with a slight look of pain in his eye; though it may just have been a tear of sympathy at his former predicament; or maybe it was irritated by mushroom spores that wandered lonely in a cloud, beside the river, beneath the trees, looking for a nose to make it sneeze.

“Which King?”

“The Witch King. The meanest son of a bitch ever to pop up on Uranus!”

“And how would I address this mighty King of the Witches, should I ever chance upon him?”

“Some call him … Grumbleflick!”

“Grumbleflick?”

“Yes – Grumbleflick! He has ants in his pants and doesn’t like to dance!”

“It seems to me young Elf, that you are familiar with this Grumbleflick.”

“That is a lie! No Elf would ever be a familiar to a Witch! No matter which Witch it was!”

A face totally devoid of any expression afflicted Tom momentarily, as he tried to work out what the feck these Elves were saying.

“I am trying to work out what the firkin Heck are you saying, young Elf?” probed Mad Tom of Bedlam.

“Look,” steamed Ken, “I know about Witches and I know about the Witch King Grumbleflick. But I am not his familiar. Nor do I like to be probed!”

“OK! OK! Let’s start again. Tell me about Grumbleflick!”

“He’s dead!”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t know what dead means?”

“Yes I do – but how can he be dead?”

“He’s a Witch!”

“And?”

“Lots of them are dead. They seem to like it that way – it’s a great tax saving tip!”

“So King Grumbleflick is a stiff?”

“Not all of him, some bits are quite floppy.”

“How does he look?”

“He uses his eyes, like most folks; but apparently he has a deathly stare. And an awful twitch in his left eye…”

“So he is a winking Witch King!”

“Yes the Witch with a twitch.”

“And what of his countenance?”

“His what?”

“His mien?”

“Yes, he’s mean alright! Wouldn’t give you the time of day – not that that would bother you!”

“I mean, what does his gob look like!!!!”

“Ugly fucker by all accounts. Face like a bucket of smashed crabs. And pale!”

“A pail of smashed crabs?”

“Not pail! Pale!”

“Pale?”

“Did you ever go to school? I mean his face is very white!”

“So he is wan?”

“Yes, just him; the only one.”

“Wan!”

“I’m a little lost here,” said Magdalene. “I can’t quite tell the difference between one and wan!”

“It’s two,” chortled Wayne.

“What?”

“Yes, one and one is two!”

“But the difference is nothing!”

“True; one minus one is the same as zero to the power of ten!”

“What?”

There was a brief pause as the reader tried to pick up the thread; sewing and reading simultaneously is very impressive, and could save a stitch in Time.

“I know that, but what about ‘one’ and ‘wan’?”

“So you’re not sure about the ‘one’ one and the ‘wan’ one?”

“That is what I said!” screamed Magdalene.

“She’s a bit of a one,” said Wayne to Ken.

Irritated Tom decided to take over.

“When he mentioned the paleness of the wan one he meant the King of the Witches.”

“So Grumbleflick is wan?”

“That’s the one!”

“Yes – deathly white!”

“I see! He is the winking wan King!”

Tom looked to Magdalene – who looked to all purposes like a totally muddled Basset Hound on the streets of Benidorm when the coffin dodgers are in full swing.

“So; we are looking for Grumbleflick, the winking wan King of the Witches! Where can I find him?”

“I haven’t got the foggiest!” declared Ken. “I’m happy for the Witches to be a legend of some renown but you can kiss my sweet patooty if you think I’d want to know where they live!”

“What about you?” asked Magdalene, homing in suddenly on Wayne like a Labrador on a high pitched fart.

“He lives in Witchland!” spurted Wayne.

Ken Tucky went red with anger, rage and constipation.

“I told you to forget that!” screamed Ken at his trembling chum.

“I forgot to remember to forget!” bleated Wayne.

“Which land is Witchland?” asked Tom.

“Yes,” said Ken. “Though they do say this land is my land, this land is your land, and his land is Witchland!”

“What land?”