A bit more from Teds and Beatniks

Just then there was a noise.

“Sorry about that; flatulence is a family trait,” said Ken.

“Noses run in my family,” said Wayne slapping his thigh with glee.

Just then there was a noise.

“Bloody Time travellers. Can’t you keep things straight?” shouted Hanny.

“Did we just skip that bit?” asked Ken.

Just then there was a noise.

“Oh, for firkin feckity fecks sake will you stop with your stupid games Tom!” demanded Magdalene.

“It isn’t me!” protested Tom.

Just then there was a noise.

And in that instant there emerged four grotesque Teddy Bears, seemingly from Nothing.

“Feck!” said Tom. “How did they get here?”

Tom was taken aback and Hanny was taken a’front, while the Elves were taken a’sideways. Magdalene stared with keen interest at the four emerging Ursines.

Dressed in drape coats, tight jeans, white shirts, Bootlace ties adorned with silver and gold, crepe shoes and hair slicked up into a ducks arse, these were Teddy Boy Teddy Bears. Menacing claws and insanely sharp teeth made them different to the ordinary Teds that will appear sometime in another History. By the looks in their fierce red eyes it was clear they had a particular dislike for Tom and Magdalene.


The Teds are Time travellers too, but they only travel one way. Which is interesting really because if you’re going forward or backward you are still only going one way at a Time. It was infuriating to these guys that Tom and Magdalene could travel in whatever direction they wanted and yet the Teds could only go one way.

Now if you were to ask a layman (not necessarily a man who lays) his opinion on how Time travels he would give one of the following answers.

  1. To the left, to the right and up.
  2. On a bus, on a train, on a plane.

To Tom and Magdalene both answers are true. Tom once carried a watch from Ipswich on the National Express, all the way to London Liverpool Street, across to Heathrow and then on a flight to Doha just to show that answer number two makes great sense.

We digress. (Actually it is just the author who digresses and tries to put in stupid Physics jokes, explained Mad Tom of Bedlam)

Did Tom just come back from the future to rewrite this bit?

We knew he would.

“Well, well, well!” said the first of the four bears.

Tom looked him the eye.

“There are five of us,” he stated.

“Well, well, well, well, well!” the bear corrected himself. “If it isn’t Insane Tom of Bedlam with his Motley Crew. Though I must say those two Elves look more like a couple of hors d’oeuvres to me! A fortuitous plop in the stitch of Time dropped me and my boys right on top of you!”

“You’re actually several metres away,” corrected Tom. “And yet it is always lovely to see you Rutherford. Where have you been up to?”

The Gang of Four bears grinned like foxes licking piss from a nettle.

This could be trouble, thought Tom. Should I stay or should I go. If I go it could be double. He considered the chances of his crew surviving a smackdown with these guys. The Elves would be out in seconds, ripped apart by the ferocious claws of these roughie toughie bears. Hanny could handle herself.

Tom recognised all four of the Teds.

Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR on Pexels.com

Beside the apparent leader who called himself Rutherford, a rather positive bear by all accounts, there was the gimpy one called Planck, the neutral one called Chadwick , and the philatelist Thomson who could be quite negative at times. Alone each would be easy to tear down, but their combined mass could change the future of the Universe – well this one anyway.

Magdalene could make a plank out of Planck and shove Chadwick in a wave tank. That would leave Thomson and Rutherford for Tom and Hanny. Things looked good.

“I see you’re working on the possibilities,” said Planck.

“Have you been reading ahead?” asked Tom.

“There is always that chance,” said Planck.

“Then that is unfair,” said Tom.

“You should see what we do in the woods! Now that’s not fair or funny!”

All the bears laughed at this one, clearly an in joke amongst the Ursines.

Insane Tom looked to all four bears. It was hard to tell how they would react. He knew them well through many millennia of pointless conflicts. Rutherford could be positive, Thomson was always negative and Chadwick was neither here nor there. And as for Planck – he was constant.

The Teds moved forward.

Tom and Hanny stepped back; Hanny drew her sword.

“This is not time for an art class,” said Tom.

Magdalene slipped almost unnoticed to the side.

Thomson stared at Wayne with eyes that could scare a monster.

“I just want to be your Teddy Bear,” laughed Thomson.

Ken shat himself.

Magdalene tossed some travel gravel to Tom.

Hanny, who by now felt angry enough to take on all four Teds, saw the flying stones as an act of betrayal. No way was she going to be left here to be ripped to shreds by these Bastard Bears as Tom and his bird sailed back in Time to start the adventure all over again. How many times have they led me to my death, she wondered?

“Feck this,” said Hanny and readied herself to charge.

Just then there was a noise.

“Not this bollocks again!”

And in a flash Tom and Magdalene were back but looking different. They stood in black jeans, black leather jackets, black berets, black T-shirts, black pumps and black sunglasses. It was like a scene from Schiphol Airport. Black everywhere.

“Hey, look at you Rutherford, you’re a shape in a drape!” said Magdalene.

“Claws sharp too,” said Tom.

“I don’t like the look of Planck; has he got bright disease?” asked Magdalene.

“And that Thomson looks like a Gin Mill Cowboy, I hope he isn’t Dixie Fried,” drolled Tom.

“I see you cats are interviewing your brains, so maybe I will leave you alone,” crooned Magdalene.

“I hope you know your groceries so you can noodle it out before you get a zonk on the head. You’re slated for crashville, and you will be toast!” declared Extremely Irate Tom.

“Focus your audio Rutherford!” said Magdalene.

“I think he’s got X-ray eyes,” said Tom.

The Teds, staggered back slowly, heads flipping side to side, looking for assurances from each other.  Tom and Magdalene slouched toward the Teds, hands sliding up and down their black leather jeans, heads tilted, sunglasses glinting in the sun.

“Hey baby this is a groove! What are you doing Daddy-O? Black leather, black leather, crash, crash, crash!” they sang in unison. “Black leather, black leather, bash, bash, bash!”

Rutherford stood up so tall he looked like a new clear model; Thomson ate a plum pudding; Chadwick waved goodbye; Planck decided he would be the only constant in this Fearsome Foursome.

Then shazam!! They were gone!

“Wow! What the flying feck just happened?” asked Hanny.

Tom and Magdalene broke into hysterical laughter, doing high fives, low fives and five bob should pay for it all.

“We’re Beatniks baby girl-O. We moved with the man with a plan and bam! We threw those babies out of the balcony. They are used-to-Be’s! Gone, Gone, Gone! Hit me with a groove sweet thing!  Teds are gone. Those guys just don’t like Beatniks.”

“That was Magic!” said Wayne.

“Has anyone got any toilet paper?” said Ken.

Published by Phoenix

I have been a teacher all my life. That doesn't just mean in School! I taught my brothers to ride bikes and go camping in the mountains. I taught Football, Cricket, Squash, Sailing, Climbing and Karate. In BNI I became the Education Coordinator. With my Property Business I laid on Investment Seminars. I taught my sons to Fish for Carp. And I still teach Maths and Physics to students who want to go to University to study Medicine or Engineering. Now I am teaching people the things I am learning online.

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