I see a Pixy and I want it painted black.
The Chancellor’s Chief Hench thing gathered together his team of Brownies to do the dirty on Peter. They needed to dig deep into his past and uncover any kind of trouble they could.
Was there any scandal surrounding sex or finance?
Did he have a thing for young Fairies?
Had he met Fairy Hanny when she was a youngster and carried an unhealthy desire for her all of his life?
Was he keeping a slush fund of money to help the Trolls in their revolution?
Warwick Hunt briefed his set of Brownies.
“When you come back from your research you are going to tell me that all of the above is true!” he told them.
Don nodded agreement so vigorously that his little Brown Hat almost fell off.
The Brownies did not have a problem with this approach to Investigative Journalism. Say what you are going to find out, then if you can’t find the evidence bribe someone or make it up then state it as fact. If you say it loud enough and long enough most people will believe you.
‘No smoke without fire’.
Then of course there are the dry ice machines that emit a type of smoke without fire.
And if when you’re using smokeless fuels there is plenty of fire without smoke; hence the definition ‘smokeless’. Nevertheless most people are too ignorant to understand the absurdity of proverbs, though one swallow doesn’t really tell you much about the girl.
‘A stitch in time saves my ideas on the Big Bang theory’ said Steven Hawking (Not the Steven Hawking but another Steven Hawking writing in a Journal of Physics in a parallel Universe in a Galaxy far, far away, just to save on copyright and libel.)
The Brownies set off in search of the truth they already knew, each carrying his lovely twee little reporter’s notebook and wearing his lovely little Brown Hat. It’s a thing about Brownies; they love to wear Brown. I suppose they could have opted for other colours in which case they would be known as Reddies, Greenies, Pinkies or Blueys.
Everything is brown down to their socks and pants. This is fortunate for them really as when they go on exotic holidays and eat exotic food and drink exotic drinks and get exotic diarrhoea then the chance of exotic embarrassment due to stains in exotic brown trousers is much minimised by being dressed in not exotic brown. This is a travel tip I would give to anyone travelling to Benidorm and planning to drink nine pints of Guinness with a Lamb Jalfrezi– don´t wear cream-coloured Chinos – trust me!
Mind you, when some oaf said ‘Brown is the new Black’ the Brownies got totally confused and began dressing in Yellow. Fortunately this was only a brief trend like baggy shirts and unkempt hair, beards and sandals and baggy trousers. So these days the Brownies are back in their traditional brown and jolly good they look too. They favour corduroy jackets, moleskin trousers and smart brown brogues polished on a regular basis.
And Brown Noses.
Within hours of the directive the streets of Setebos were rife with rumours of Peter’s misdemeanours. Most of the inhabitants had neither met nor heard of Peter the Pixy though that did not stop them from gossiping about his transgressions, especially when the Brownies offered free tax advice via Lord Chalfont and his Orc friends, or jelly donuts with custard.
Some people would sacrifice anyone for a glass of Tizer.
“Disgraceful!” they said, “a Pixy of his age stealing tarts and away with the Fairies”.
“He stole a young girl’s heart I heard”, said some busybody without an ounce of interest in her own existence.
“He chases after all the young girls apparently it appears”, suggested another no hoper.
“I heard he has been misusing his bottom,” opined one ne’er do well, “and he likes it”.
Lord Chalfont was over the Moon.
It would not take long for Hanny to pick up on this gossip. She would come running back, abandoning the Quest for the Permanent Cure; and she would be soothing his eyes in the Great Castle with its Great Walls and everything, a buxom delight to fill his flights of fancy. How could any young maid bear to be in the company of a Pixy that was demonstrably a cad, a charlatan, a total numpty who had even been accused of performing in a line dancing group?
Chalfont felt he had won this battle already so began looking round to see who else’s life he could ruin. There were plenty of other Pixys out there that were due to get the Chalfont treatment, encouraged by Warwick Hunt and the Brownies.
Who else could he destroy before lunch time?
At this rate he could become a Tax Dodging Newspaper Magnate!
Fairy Hanny 