Chapter 19

A Bridge to Far.

Climbing slowly upwards from the Vale of Glam Organ (where lived a girl of some renown) the party followed the old Roaming Road toward the bridge over troubled waters. Offal’s ravine was at its narrowest at this point due to him having a bit of a hangover on the day he dug out this part, deciding to just skim a bit off his usual work rate. The bridge had been constructed of things like wood and metal, with some bits of brick, the entire thing having been planned ever so carefully by a clever chap. As a result the bridge went from one side all the way across the middle until it reached the other side. This is why it was called a bridge rather than a jetty or walkway. This structure bridged the gap so it was known locally as the Bridge to Far.

Far was not far away from Wails but Far was far away enough to be different. It was a far Far better place they were going to; a little far out but hey that’s Far out so you saw him too!

The side of the expanse that lay in the Land of Wails was marked merely by two small houses. In each of these dwellings lived a friendly Gnome whose job it was to keep the bridge in good repair. So these Gnomes were called Bridge Keepers, a sensible title for two such auspicious fellows that kept the bridge. I don’t mean ‘kept’ as in took permanent possession of but ‘kept’ as in looked after. Keep reading and you’ll see what I mean.

Steve was over the Moon to meet two of his clan. They had travelled from the north to the coast then to the south of Wails without encountering another Gnome. This had confused Steve as he knew his people were some of the most helpful beings on Uranus, yet they had not seen a decent Gnome anywhere.

As they approached the bridge Steve became excited as he spotted the jolly red hat of one of his brethren standing guard at the entrance.

“In the name of the Wheelbarrow, and of the Pond, and of the Fishing Rod. Hey Man!” greeted Steve in his most helpful and ebullient way. “How’s tricks?”

“You must be confusing me with someone else. I don’t know any tricks.”

“You misunderstand. How’s it going? How’s life? How’re you doing?”

“Doing what?”

Steve paused. He looked in horror at the tubby red hated Gnome in front of him. Is it possible?

Yes!

This fat fecker had no sense of humour! His personality had been removed when he moved to Wails! This was a Gnome with no balls!

Hanny stepped once more into the breach.

“Listen, shit for brains my fine fellow. We need to get across this bridge safely and we don’t want to be followed by that gang of idle bastard Brownies you can see making their way here.”

“Okay,” said the Gnome, “pay the toll and you can go across.”

“What about the Brownies?”

“If they can produce the required fee they are also allowed to cross.”

“This is not what I want to hear!” said Hanny. “We must leave this land without a trail of Brownies hanging onto our backsides. Time to put my plan into action!”

The foursome paid the appropriate fee, which was whatever passed for currency on Uranus, and headed off across the bridge.

“What happens next?” asked Peter, who really had not understood Hanny’s plan due to the magic in his pants.

“Keep going across the bridge, I’ll catch you up!” said Hanny as she sat down in the middle of the bridge.

“But where are we going?” queried the finicky trio.

Hanny pointed to the other side. The lads became aware there was a village or small town at the other end of the bridge.

“Is that a village or a small town?”

“What’s the difference?”

“I think it’s defined in terms of the population and the area taken up by domestic dwellings. Also the nature of shops and if there is a church present.”

“It’s usually easy to find out.”

“How?”

“It will say ‘welcome to the village of’ or ‘welcome to the town of’ when we get to the sign at the end of the bridge. If it’s a town there will also be some statement that is twinned with some obscure place on some other part of the planet.”

“Shut the feck up!” shouted Hanny. “That, gentlemen, is the town of Far, population six thousand and it does have a well used church. We are on the Bridge to Far! Now get going while I sort out these tedious Brownies! Fly you fools!”

With that the lads ran on.

Greg wondered if it was possible to land some type of aircraft on the bridge as that would explain Hanny’s last comment.

The Brownies saw them run. The Gnome with the Red Hat saw them run. Hanny saw them run.

“See how they run!” said a Brownie.

“See Peter run!”

“See Gregory run!”

Hanny was delighted to be involved in an early reader scheme.

Then, coming to her senses she remembered why she had stopped in the middle of the bridge, and it wasn’t to watch the numb bummed Pixy waddle quickly over the structure. As for the bandy-legged Goblin and the corpulent Gnome! Hanny would have laughed if things hadn’t been so serious. (And if someone wrote a funny joke.)

There were whoops and cries of glee as the Brownies paid their entrance toll and scampered across the bridge. This would be a scoop. There must be some type of major mischief going on if the three lads had run away, leaving a maiden in distress in the middle of the bridge.

The Brownies slowed to a walking pace as they approached Hanny. They were naturally wary as they only Fairy they were used to dealing with was that bastard Chalfont. Lord Chalfont was not a good advert for the goodness of Fairies, particularly not when he used Warwick Hunt as his minder.

Hanny looked at each of the Brownies.

“What do you four hacks want?” she asked menacingly.

“What’s going on with the sore bottomed one?” asked the bravest of the four.

“I suggest you go back to Both and ask him!” smiled Hanny. “We left him behind with his behind.”

“But we saw him leave!” declared the Brownies.

“No! You were led to believe you saw him leave. We played a little ruse on you. Peter’s bottom is so inflamed he can’t get his arse into gear. He is wedged in the bathroom door with five luscious young chicks applying strange potions to the mountains of doom protruding from his plopper!”

“Well who is that little geek scurrying across the bridge, moving as though he’s just papped his breeks?”

“That’s a decoy! That’s an old friend from Fanovabba. His name is Paulinus.”

“Poor Linus,” wrote each of the Brownies in his little notebook.

“Well thanks for that tip you’ve been ever so helpful. But why did you stop in the middle of the bridge?”

“The devil can’t cross running water,” stated Hanny.

“Of course,” said the boldest Brownie as the others wrote it down. “Why didn’t I think of that? See you then. So long and thanks for all the gossip!”

“Talking of which,” continued Hanny, “you boys just watch out for those Asria or you’ll be acting on another tip-off soon.”

The Brownies headed back toward the Land of Wails. Hanny saw them stop at the bridge keeper’s hut to demand their money back. They didn’t stand a chance as the bridge keeper pointed out that they had effectively walked across the entire route.

“But we only went halfway!”

“And then you came back.”

“Yes!”

“So you’ve walked halfway across the bridge twice.”

“Yes.”

“So you’ve walked the full length of the bridge so you have to pay the entire toll. Now feck off or I’ll set the dogs on you!”

The Brownies each demanded a full receipt for their expense accounts then scurried back toward Both.

Hanny continued to Far where she met the lads. Peter was reading the sign welcoming them to Far.

 “What did you say to the little shit stirrers?” asked Steve.

“I confused them with logic then told them some lies,” confessed Hanny, “as only a woman can!”