Do you need those toes?

Mr. Williams sits on a grassy bank,

Thinking that life is a load of wank,

Then turns to his wife and says I’ll be Frank;

If I was tree I would soon be a plank.

Do you need those toes Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams sits alone at home,

Thinking he’d rather be in Rome,

Playing loud music in the Catacomb,

Or feeding Beetles beneath the loam.

Do you need those toes Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams drinks his pint in the pub,

And wallows in syrup at the Conservative club.

He turns to his wife and asks for a scrub,

So she covers his face in Vicks Vapour rub.

Do you need those toes Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams sees Mr. Smith in Accounts,

And processes his debts in small amounts,

Then just as his head downstairs did bounce,

His loving wife his death did announce.

Do you need those toes Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams told me he’s feeling quite bored,

With the girls last night he never scored,

But his wife as an angry lioness roared,

“I’m off you cunt, I’m moving abroad.”

Do you need those toes Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams now cries at home all alone,

His wife in her pride cut him to the bone,

She screams at him “I don’t like your tone!”

So petrified he turned to stone.

You don’t need those toes Mr. Williams.

Gutter: SNipe: Pimp

Fifth step to Madness.

Gutter:

Snipe:

Pimp:

Three word Slogan,

All you need,

So you Justify,

Your Personal Greed.

Gutter:

Snipe:

Pimp:

Mad Anna called me twice today.

We ate tea, Smoked Wine, Drank Cakes,

Walked on Lakes for Heaven’s sake.

“There! Is a Bull in a Fence!”

Indefensible.

There was a time,

In the time before time,

When nothing would rhyme,

Which is a rhyme crime in the Sea of Time?

“Time to go?”

“I’ve had most of mine!”

Gutter:

Lowdown, Why do you feel so bad,

The virus took away, The best friend I ever had.

Snipe:

He didn’t do it right!

It’s a pile of shite!

I can’t go on like this!

Taking the piss!

Pimp:

Everyone is up for sale

Traffic for this young female;

I’m sure your heart is thumping,

Let’s get out the way, he’s Trumping.

Gutter: Snipe: Pimp

Fourth step to Madness

That bird flew in to his nest;

Casablanca!

Da! Boozer!

TV documentary deleted,

Summer dreams all defeated,

Conversations not completed;

Empty minds in charge and seated.

“I thought we could fly?”

“I wish I could fly!”

“But I won’t try.”

“I hate that guy.”

I can tell by his drunken knows!

No – Cavernous scars mean too many bars!

Isn’t that so? 

Fatso.

She got me in the German heartland,

Beer and coke so the Major told me.

Sniping in the gutter.

Buried deep with another nutter.

Slotted two from his Church Yard,

Bless you Father; bereavement card.

Ludicrous Karma took him too,

Body disintegrated,

He didn’t go home that night,

Or many nights later.

El Pimp Erupted!

Lava Flow!

“Where you ever in a serious fire?”

No, my sweet, just in love.

She smiled the beguile,

So, I waited a while,

Her business soaring,

Me just boring.

Gutter: Snipe: Pimp

Third step to Madness.

Confusion contusion,

Arms caught in the door,

Fingers stuck in the floor,

“I’m homeless and it’s war!”

We didn’t get old with the band of gold,

Not to the end, my first friend.

Turtle dove, My first love

Military Hardship, my correction,

No direction,

No reflection.

You left too soon.

I wanted to see you in a state of grace,

Three boys standing at the altered place.

Renewing, Re-vowing,

Loving and bowing.

But you left too soon!

Too soon!

Me to, Soon.

Timor Mortis Conturbat Me.

Gutter: Snipe: Pimp

Second step to Madness

Look at this lass,

She’s a Brass.

I can set you up,

My aging pup.

Crawling down the corridor of fun;

This girl;

This room.

Was there lime in the coconut?

Did you drink it all up?

Eight track detachment, tied to the bed.

Three screws, two speakers, one love.

Black and white sneakers,

Heaven seekers,

At my door, Brain Damage sorted.

Gutter: snipe: Pimp

(For Anna)

First step to Madness

Again.

Again, she came back from the dead.

Dead Loves.

Death leaves,

In the gutter.

I waltzed by the waters of the Caspian Sea,

Drowned Diesel Surface,

Waiting for me.

Waiting.

“How do you do?” we said.

“Well then, let’s go to bed!”

Miss Understanding.

Quite Out Standing,

On the Landing Stage.

Waiting.

They told me I would a famous son,

Once my perfect life undone.

“I woke up on the fifth flaw.

Tender on Tinder;

Tinder box burning in the flames of passport love.

Gutter full of Politicos and apparatchiks.

Sniping and Carking,

Laughing and barking.

Dogs of doom in the Common room.

“Jolly Boating Whether,

Let’s all steal together,

The demon is a player,

Charge the poor, taxpayer.”

Was that an aside or did you put your morals aside.

No; beside.

Landing in an alien world,

Chasing all the local girls,

Fun and night and party Twirls,

In the mess my ethics whirls.

Save me from the Essex girls.

Was it a mistake?

Giris;

Or exit phase one.

Trans-Uranic Elements: The Dark Side of Uranus

This is the second outing for Fairy Hanny, after proving herself to be the heroine who helped to cure Peter The Pixy of his Piles.

This time she is called in to help solve a problem in Time. She joins the company of Two Time Travellers and Two Elfs on the way to Witchland, though they aren’t sure which land is Witchland.

Mad Tom and Mad Magdalene (Maudlin) have travelled through Time to find out who is messing about with the Space-Time continuum, with the intention of putting a stop to these shenanigans. They have picked up the company of two Elfs – Ken Tucky and Wayne Down – who only seem to speak Elvis. These two plonkers are a pair of chancers who are also basically cowards!

Hanny directs them to the port of Hlither Poler where they can meet the Sankyu Fairies and get help to visit Witchland,

With the help of Admiral Bell Bottomed George and the wonderful Sankyu Fairy Mutch, they get up to all kinds of japes and scrapes.

There are Kraken, A Bargee Dwarf called Mr O’Nighon, Steve from Aldeburgh, Ferocious Teddy Bears and the winking wan King of the Witches, Grumbleflick.

You will be thrilled!

You will laugh!

You will cry!

You will ask why?

And maybe fly with a pork pie!

None of this will happen until I finish the damned editing!!!

So dear Reader, urge me on!!