St. Kevins, Kirkby, Lancashire, 1970
We were still in Lancashire then. Merseyside was created April 1974, so all my exercise books said Lancashire County Council, though some did have the school crest on the front and the famous Respice Finem.
We used to write A.M.D.G. in the top left-hand corner of every page as we were devoting our work to the greater glory of god, even though half of us were catholic atheists.
I remember so many funny St.Kevs jokes – mostly knob and plop jokes
What did one leg say to the other?
I see shorty is growing a beard!
Every Autumn we had a game which involved going into the local woods, collecting acorns, and having acorn battles.
Harmless fun?
At the start of the third year of secondary school – they call it year 9 these days – we had been split into option groups. Being in the top set of 16, we were expected to focus on Academic subjects – for my class ‘O’ level Physics was compulsory. Fortunately for me I loved Physics and still don’t quite get the point of Biology, and Chemistry just makes horrible smells and explosions. I think Rutherford put it well when he said, ‘In Science, there is only Physics, all the rest is stamp collecting’.
I know what he means – for Biology and Chemistry you just have to know things; like don’t throw lithium in water or you will die.
As top set we were allowed one practical subject and I found myself in the ‘O’ level Art class. Which was fine.
One day I was standing in line waiting to go into the building for my Art class when someone called my name. I turned to my right and was instantly in excruciating pain. The acorn game had just gone awry – some blond headed fecker had just hit me in the eyeball.
I was taken to hospital straight away and it was discovered that the acorn had cut a small slash in my cornea.
Treatment – one week in bed, no movement.
When you’re 13 years old a bed pan just does not work.
I have vague memories of St. Pauls Eye Hospital in Liverpool. Nobody was ill, they just had fucked up eyes. Cataracts and eye removal were the main problems, and occasionally an Industrial chemical accident.
I remember the nurses on night duty being constantly harassed by these one-eyed deviants. Cyclops verses the Vestal Virgins.
One night the lads got some sort of aerosol and were chasing the nurses and spraying it up their dresses and singing,
Oh, them frozen Knickers,
Oh, them frozen Knickers!
I think it was based on one of those old Minstrel songs.
I recovered, but never did fully develop proper stereo vision. This has meant that sports like Squash and Badminton have never allowed me to reach a high level as I can never quite get the position of the projectiles right.
Thank feck for football.
Fairy Hanny 