Writing Resolutions

Well back in the UK going through a draw in my filing cabinet called ‘Writing’.

I have to do something about it – as in finish each of these projects.

So here we are;

1. “Trans-Uranic Elements: The Dark Side of Uranus”. This one is typed up in draft and I am slowly editing to make the jokes even funnier. Another outing for Fairy Hanny, helping two time travellers to close down a randomly controlled worm hole. The Witch Iz is bringing children from Earth to make mince pies for the Fairy’s. Will Hanny, Tom and Magdalene stop her?

2. “Inspector Flaange and the Death at the Dick Factory” . Meet Inspector Hunter Flaange and DC Jason Beaver as they piece together the life and death of Harry Dick, manufacturer of marital aids… Was his death a sick game or was he murdered for some dark sexual secret? Again this is typed in draft but I don’t really like the ending.

3. “Inspector Flaange and the Eaten Puff” . Handwritten manuscript. Obnoxious ex-public school businessman found poisoned in his hotel room in Ipswich. Who killed him and why? What type of nasty bastard is was this guy?

4. “Inspector Flaange and the Phuket Incident”. Handwritten outline. Three middle aged men found dead in Ipswich, each with an item of feminine clothing nailed to their heads. What happened on Phuket?

5. “Inspector Flaange and the Barking Spider”. Handwritten outline. Eminent Scientists working at Sizewell are found dead in an around Barking Forest. Is the local legend of a horribly mutated spider, caused by radiation exposure, really true?

6. “St. Nedds” Handwritten plan. Dr. Graham Boreham-Quigley teaches Physics at a private boarding school on the Suffolk coast. Sadly the wonderful Headmaster, Airey R. Spaby, takes early retirement mid term due to an unexpected heart attack. The governors bring in a new Super Head, Ms Elizabeth Munt, to take the school by the scruff of the neck and bring it into the 21st Century. She takes an immediate dislike to Graham and starts to make life hell for him. Fortunately Graham gets his revenge with the help of some Motorcycling Sloths and a Proboscis Monkey.

I have other plans too…

What would help me finish each project?

1. Stop being a lazy bastard. Remember the word ‘Never’.

2. The belief that these books will take me to my dream home in Spain.

3. A literary agent.

4. A Russian Princess who would make me endless cups of tea while I write.

As 2015 progresses so will steps 1 to 4!!!

Spanish Resolution

I spent a few hours today researching homes in Spain.

Choice is between a modern place near to the hordes of Brits who have moved to Spain, or a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.

I’ll go for the latter.

Most need fixing/renovating but I have the skills for that.

A place to work the land and write in the evenings while drinking the local wines.

Heaven.

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Galicia looks good.

And the prices!!!

Hippo jumps from moving truck in Taiwan, startling locals – most surreal story this year.

hippo

A hippo that panicked while being transported by truck in Taiwan jumped from the vehicle, breaking a leg and causing confused residents to report spotting a dinosaur on the loose.

It jumped through a truck window and landed on a parked car before falling onto the road on Friday.

The sound of the collision startled people nearby who flocked to see the animal and contacted the police.

One woman was quoted by the United Daily News as saying that she ran out of her house after hearing the crash and thought she saw “a dinosaur” lying on the road.

The truck driver was quoted by the newspaper as saying that he saw the hippo “flying out” of the vehicle after getting spooked during the drive.

The injured animal, named “A Ho” after the Chinese name for hippo Ho Ma, lay on the road for a few hours before being put into a cargo container and taken back to its farm in central Taichung city, officials said.

Taiwanese authorities said Saturday that the animal’s owner could face a fine of up to Tw$75,000 (US$2,400) for violating animal protection laws after the hippo suffered a broken leg and damage to its teeth.

New Year – Resolution!

I set myself a task for this week.

Speed march from home, down to River Orwell, back up through Orwell Country Park then home – almost 4 miles.

Did it yesterday; shin splints within the first mile; completed in 55 minutes. I was in regulation Army Boots and carrying a day pack so quite pleased with myself.

Set a target of getting that down to 45 minutes by the end of the week.

I went out today to see if I could cut the time a little. I reached my first marker – The Bridge of Khazad Dum – three minutes faster than yesterday – huzzah! I managed to jog part of the way there…

Scurried, no better way to put it, back up the hill passing lots of Sunday afternoon walkers. I was sweating by this time which appeared to make families with small children very nervous – sad really. Shin splints kicked in on the last half mile but I just put my head down and jogged home.

Finished in 44 minutes.

So I have already beaten my target for the week.

How did I do it? Am I secretly super fit?

No. My brain did it – with attitude!

I just kept saying ‘go faster, keep your head down, don’t give up.’

So I will apply that same attitude to y writing for the year. At least three books to complete…

I need to set a new target for the circuit. 40 minutes?

So for all the lovely ladies in Kazakhstan – watch out I’ll be back fitter than ever.

Turning down dates already!

First review – Joni was right

“You don’t know what you got till it’s gone…”

Almost at the end of my first year in Kazakhstan.

The snow is back; it’s -16 Celsius outside. The water in the mop bucket froze on the balcony – the enclosed balcony.

It’s been a year of ups and downs.

Big things – I got divorced which is sad in some ways and yet it means new doors are open.

I broke my arm – never trust vodka, a gypsy cab and a storm drain.

I met the most intelligent and beautiful woman but couldn’t hold on to her…

I finished my Masters degree, studied NLP and Russian! I had a great time in Istanbul!

And I started watching the box set of ‘Soldier Soldier’ – back to some halcyon days.

I finished the draft of ‘Trans-Uranic Elements: The Dark Side of Uranus’ another tour de force featuring the famous Fairy Hanny. It is currently being edited and will be available in the New Year.

I will be back in Blighty for Xmas and New Year. It will be fun to see the PC brigade trying to ban any reference to Christ in the ‘holiday period’; yet here I am in Kazakhstan where they happily put Christmas Trees outside of the mosque. Abu Dhabi Airport will be overflowing with it’s Christmas decorations…

More reflections as the weeks go by; only one regret but she is still there.

Poop Police with whistles – what a wonderful world!

Children armed with whistles will soon be patrolling villages in central India to try to shame those defecating in the open, a report said Sunday.

Madhya Pradesh state government is expected soon to launch the unusual sanitation initiative, in which schoolchildren will blow their whistles loudly when they spot someone squatting in the open instead of using a toilet.

Open defecation has long been a major health and sanitation problem in India, with Prime Minister Narendra Modi saying every household should have a toilet within four years.

But a Madhya Pradesh official said many preferred to relieve themselves in the open rather than use a toilet, requiring unusual efforts to halt the practice which spreads disease.

“It is not just enough to make ‘pucca’ (proper) toilets to stop the practice of open defecation in rural areas,” Sanjay Dubey, a divisional commissioner for Indore region, told the Press Trust of India (PTI).

“There is also a need to launch an effective social drive in such areas to check it,” Dubey said.

Children in the Indore region will be educated about the need to keep their surroundings clean, before being handed the whistles and asked to roam their neighbourhoods, he told the news agency.

“This (blowing a whistle) would make that person feel shameful and would help to check this practice.”

Modi has stressed the need to clean up India, which has a reputation for poor public hygiene and rudimentary sanitation.

A recent report by the UN children’s fund UNICEF estimates almost 594 million — or nearly 50 percent of India’s population — defecate in the open.