Physicist proves watched kettles do boil!

They say a watched kettle never boils, but Irish Physicist Eamon Glasscock has set out to disprove this theory and made some other remarkable discoveries on the way.

Glasscock, 26, a post-doctoral Research Fellow at the University of Wollongong in Dubai, has spent a lifetime fascinated by things that get hot.

“As a child I loved to switch on the electric fire just to watch it glow and get hot,” he explained. “Even in the height of summer I would switch it on, but that was only to be expected in Ireland!”

“It drove my parents insane,” he added with a wink.

As part of his research Glasscock had to convert part of his laboratory into a mock kitchen.

“We got a grant from the government and some help from the Engineering Department. So we were able to add a base unit with a sink, some wall cupboards and a worktop nicely finished in imitation marble. We also bought a kettle to watch,” confided the Scientist.

As part of his research Glasscock would fill the kettle with water, or H2O as Scientists call it, and then switch it on. He would then sit and observe what happens.

“It was my belief from the start that the ‘watched kettle never boils’ brigade were anti-Science. However I found that in 100% of cases the kettle did boil even though I was watching it.”

In order to add a fair test to his experiments Glasscock called on the assistance of his fellow countryman Eamon Hire Ph.D., a Zoologist from County Meath, to repeat the experiment. Dr. Hire found the same consistent set of results. To further test his theory Glasscock purchased two further kettles from different manufacturers.

“In my paper recently submitted to The Physics Review of Ireland I have been able to state quite clearly that a watched kettle does boil,” declared Glasscock.

As a further discovery Glasscock and hire also found that using boiled water to make endless cups of coffee can cause palpitations and constipation, not a great combination.

“We’ve applied to the University for a Further Research Grant to study this phenomenon,” elucidated Dr. Hire.

The two researchers also spoke briefly about the application to study bears in America, Russia and China.

“We would like to establish the facts behind the age old question of where the Ursines defecate,” clarified Dr. Glasscock.

Meanwhile David Cameron, the English Prime Minister, commented on the research.

“We never had kettles at Eton,” he put into the plain words of a working man, “though we did have our own woods with our own Conservative Bears. That’s why we won the First World War.”

Afghans delighted to be counting their goats after the decline of the Taliban.

The people of Afghanistan have been celebrating in the streets as they regain a more liberal freedom. Counting is back on the menu after more than twenty years of the Taliban tally ban.

“I deeply love my goats but until this week I didn’t know how many I had,” explained Mahmud Ghazi, 48, a goatherd from Kabul.

All types of Statistics were outlawed under the strict Taliban regime, as the extremists saw keeping count of things to be yet another sign of western decadence, like shaving and the X Factor.

“Statistics are a bad thing, I believe,” declared Lavi Khaki, 26, a spokesman for the Taliban in exile. “Even your decadent Western Philosophers see how bad Statistics is  … are. How to Lie with Statistics. Lays, Damned Lies and Statistics. I could go on. We in the Taliban know that the average Afghani has no need for Statistics of any kind. I can be 100% certain of this.”

When pushed to elucidate his findings Khaki recounted a survey amongst Taliban members who unanimously agreed to the tally ban. He compared Statistics to listening to Radio 1 – totally pointless.

“Even the Camels agreed with us, within a 2.5% margin,” he continued, “and 8 out of 10 bearded women refused to even take part in the survey so had to be beaten.”

However under the leadership of new premier Hamid Karzai things are about to change.

“The Taliban tally ban just doesn’t add up,” stated a spokesman for the new government. “So we have repealed all laws relating to the tally ban. After all what is a State without Statistics?”

The new approach received the full backing of General Ed McSquared, 52, for the US led coalition and from Mr. Ghazi the goatherd.

When questioned further Mr Ghazi let us in on an Afghan secret.

“We goatherds have our secret way of undermining the Taliban tally ban,” he said with a smug twinkle in his eye. “Although we were not allowed to count our goats there has never been a law against naming them! So every day I would go out into the field and shout out; Bob! Steve! Declan! Lance! And so on until I knew all of my goats were present, even though I didn’t know how many I had!”

Mr. Ghazi also explained that he was encouraged by US Marines to give the goats Western names as a further way of undermining the fundamentalist authorities.

“We once had a goat called George but it was quickly killed and eaten. Tough meat and tasted awful.”

Meanwhile David Cameron, the English Prime Minister, made clear that he had never eaten goat as that was for working class kids who don’t go to Eton.

“However all Etonians have an excellent background in Statistics which is why the English Cricket team do so well,” he continued.

Mr. Cameron later denied that he had ever taken the Public School course on Culinary Statistics, despite claims that he was an expert at cooking the books.

Bedlam Boys – the story behind ‘Trans Uranic Elements; The Dark Side of Uranus’

Bedlam Boys

For to see my Tom of Bedlam, 10,000 miles I’d travel
Mad Maudlin goes on dirty toes, to save her shoes from gravel.

Still I sing bonnie boys, bonnie mad boys,
Bedlam boys are bonnie
For they all go bare and they live by the air,
And they want no drink nor money.

I went down to Satan’s kitchen, for to beg me food one morning
There I got souls piping hot, all on the spit a turning.

There I picked up a cauldron, Where boiled 10,000 harlots
Though full of flame I drank the same, to the health of all such varlets.

My staff has murdered giants, my bag a long knife carries
For to cut mince pies from children’s thighs, with which to feed the fairies.

Spirits white as lightning, shall on my travels guide me
The moon would quake and the stars would shake, when’ ere they espied me.

No gypsy slut nor doxy, shall win my Mad Tom from me
I’ll weep all night, the stars I’ll fight, the fray will well become me.

It’s when next I have murdered, the Man-In-The-Moon to powder
His staff I’ll break, his dog I’ll bake, they’ll howl no demon louder.

So drink to Tom of Bedlam, he’ll fill the seas in barrels
I’ll drink it all, all brewed with gall, with Mad Maudlin I will travel.

Interview on BBC Radio Suffolk

Thursday 15th August 2013 Mr Swifty will be interviewed by Lesley Dolphin on BBC Radio Suffolk. Swifty will be a ‘sofa guest’ to talk about life, travelling and writing.

Having spent the last seven years travelling to Florida, Spain and Cyprus to sell apartments, then on to Qatar, Abu Dhabi and China to teach Mathematics, the 30 minute stint could be entertaining.

 

Indian policeman shoots himself to win bravery award

A policeman in India was recovering in hospital after he shot himself in a misguided attempt to win a bravery award.

Mahesh Rajguru claimed that six unidentified men opened fire when he was on personal protection duty at a house of a former politician in Jaipur, the capital of the eastern state of Rajasthan.

He claimed the men sped away in a car after the supposed attack on Sunday night, the Press Trust of India news agency reported.

“Senior officials rushed to the spot and found his statements and crime scene suspicious,” Additional Commissioner of Police Arun Macya told PTI.

“He confessed no such incident that he had narrated took place and he shot himself just to claim a gallantry award by showing bravery.”

Rajguru, who received three bullet injuries in his stomach and arm, was admitted to the Sawai Man Singh government hospital in Jaipur, where his condition was reported to be stable.

“As soon as they spotted me, they started firing. A bullet hit my stomach,” Rajguru said in his original statement according to the Times of India.

“When I screamed, they ran outside and again opened fire while getting into a car parked outside. Two more bullets hit my shoulders.”

Police said all the empty cartridges found at the scene belonged to Rajguru’s gun and that they had also found narcotic drugs in his living quarters.

Bank Robber

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one gutsy old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,
“My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!.”

Charming the ladies

I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a
cosy little restaurant.


So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated me
with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking
at me, then decided to send a reply by a
note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the me.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants’..

After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in
return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to
be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600,
and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have
beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even
for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three
inches. Just send the wine back.’

News -Malawians voice anger against farting bill

Residents in Malawi’s financial capital Blantyre have reacted angrily at government attempts to criminalise farting in public.

The Local Courts Bill, to be introduced next week, reads: “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the
neighbourhood or passing along a public way, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour.”

The bill will also attempt to deal with citizens who hinder the burial of dead bodies as well as people who pretend to be fortune tellers.

Many feel that there are better issues that the government needs to discuss. Local Topsi Ganzalesi said: “We can’t allow that. We all fart. Where do they think we could go and fart? That is no issue to debate upon.”

College student, Matthews Phiri, was not alone in saying he could not understand how the government hoped to enforce the new law – adding to widespread criticism that the new law is a giant waste of public funds.

“We all fart in public and it will be difficult to tell who has done it. Some do it silently. It some cases it is like teargas which goes like shhhh! Our legislators need to concentrate on discussing development projects. They should not waste our time and money on childish issues. It would make sense if they talked about defecating and urinating anyhow but not farting. This will not work. We will keep on farting.” he said.