Church Newsletters

I found this whilst trawling…

 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’

Bankers…

I went to talk to my bank to transfer some money to Blighty.

“It’s much easier to do if you go online” said the helpful girl.

“Yes but I can’t log in, and I need to send some money to Blighty”

“Why can’t you log in?”

“I don’t know why – it just says ‘accounts not mapped yet’. Do you know what that means?”

“No. Call the support team and ask. Transferring money is so much easier online!”

“Yes I know but I can’t log in…”

She paused to think for a while as I had clearly stretched her customer service skills to the limit.

“Can I arrange to transfer some money from here, now?”

“Yes but I will need your IBAN number and your Swift code!”

“I have the IBAN number. If I give you that can you find out the Swift code?”

“No, you need to look it up online. It is actually much easier to do a transfer online because our system will find the Swift code for you!”

“But I can’t log in online…”

“Then I need the Swift code.”

“I don’t have it.”

“You should talk to our support guys, they will help you to get logged in. It’s easy to then transfer money online!”

I smiled and said ‘Thank you’.

I walked away wondering how we got so technologically advanced.

I have a gentle cock.

Marvellous title for a 15th Century poem/lyric.

I had no idea anyone would be so enamoured of a farmyard fowl.

I Have a Gentle Cock

I have a gentle cock,
Croweth me day;
He doth me rysyn early,
My matyins for to say.

I have a gentle cock,
Common he is of great;
His comb is of reed coral,
His tail is of jet.

I have a gentle cock,
Common he is of kind;
His comb is of red coral,
His tail is of inde.

His legges ben of azure,
So gentle and so small;
His spores are of silver quite,
Into the wortewale.

His eyen are of crystal,
Lokyn all in amber;
And every night he percheth him
In my lady’s chamber.

What is a Hanny?

“What’s a Hanny?” asked Daisy as she checked out this blog.

“Actually Fairyhanny is a Spoonerism,” I explained.

“Like a toast to the Queer Dean instead of the Dear  Queen.”

“I don’t get it?”

So I tried again.

“Would you like to show me your toolkits?”

“Are you a smart fella?”

I even got her reciting ‘I’m not a pheasant plucker I’m a pheasant pluckers mate’ quite a feat for a young lady in Chengdu. I have this image of a group of Chinese women shouting out “I’m not a pheasant plucker…”

She finally got it when I said ‘would you duck my sick?’

There was a pause.

“So Fairy Hanny is really Hairy Fanny?” asked Daisy.

“Yes!”

There was a longer pause.

“What’s a Fanny?”

Playing Poetry Games

Today I played a game with a girl in China. We wrote four words and then made poems. They are generally awful…. but included here for your entertainment.

Poems today

 

I like the colour of rose

my friend says she also does

so when we meet a rose colour dog

we bring him back to our house

 

I like the colour rose

and my dog has got no nose

My friend said just suppose

My house was made of toes

 

I have a hat with a very wide brim

It gives me some prestige

but I must abstain from telling him

I’m wary of wearing beige

What’s love got to do with it? The formula for Happiness

I love Maths – but then I am an oddity. Does Maths make you happy?

Well some guys have come up with what they call a happiness formula. For the Mathematicians, Physicists and Engineers – I know it’s not real Maths!

HAPPINESS = (Mx16 + Cx1 + Lx2) + (Tx5 + Nx2 + Bx33) .

Of course I would rather see it as H = 16M + C + 2L + 5T + 2N +33B

But never mind, as Nirvana used to say. What does it mean?

Ok – get your Left Brain round this….

M – Live in the Moment. Every second of every day appreciate what you have – enjoy the sights and sounds and smells of living. So next time the wind blows the vapours from the sewage farm in your direction – be grateful! And as the average person is awake for 16 hours we get Mx16.
C – be Curious. Be curious once a day. No good for a Scientist, or an Artist, or a writer…

L – do something you Love. Twice a day do something that gives you great pleasure or excites you. But be careful about your arrest record.

T – Think of others first. Spread the love. Of course this could tie in very nicely with ‘L’ above.

N – Nurture relationships. Research has found that the happiest people in the world have a close relationship with a significant other. Twice a day, work on the ‘L’ and ‘T’…
B – look after your Body. Eat, drink and be merry (that’s 3), plus do 30 minutes exercise a day. I’d like the 30 minutes spent on ‘L’…

So there we have a formula for happiness. The units are all wrong of course, with hours, minutes and ‘times per day’ – not sure that is an SI Unit.

To me it looks like you will be happy if you spend the day with your other half, working your way through the Karma Sutra as you eat exotic fruits and nuts. But did I really need a formula for that?

Who wants to be a writer – it’s tough!!!

10 Authors who dealt with Rejection.

You and I love to write. It’s a special gift and a privilege we have creating story’s, sometimes just for ourselves, for our families and friends. But we all reach the point when we believe in what we write and we want to see it published – and we’d also like to make money from our writing too!

There are many famous writers, old and new, who have gone from the personal writing to looking for publication only to be rejected. I think many of you reading this will have a few rejection letters yourself – if not get ready for some! I have a few myself and each time I get one, I either take on board the positive criticism or I reject it if it is just negative criticism!

Below, in no particular order, are ten well known authors who suffered their fair share of rejection. However they didn’t let it stop them – they kept going an eventually found fame and fortune from their writing. We should take heart from these examples and remember – success is not just about what you do but about the attitude and determination you have to succeed.

1. C.S. Lewis. Author of the Chronicles of Narnia, the most famous being The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Lewis received more than 800 rejections before he sold anything. Next time you watch one of the movies just smile at his determination.

2. Margaret Mitchell. Not a name that springs to mind until you realise she wrote Gone With The Wind. An all time classic that was rejected by 25 publishers.

3. Robert M. Pisig. The author of a modern classic much loved by undergraduate college students. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance took four years to write and was rejected 121 times!

4. George Orwell. A personal favourite of mine as he worked at the local newspaper in my hometown and took his pen name from the River Orwell. His iconic book on Stalinist Russia Animal Farm was rejected repeatedly, one American publisher claiming that ‘animal stories don’t sell’.

5. The Diary of Anne Frank was repeatedly rejected as many publishers felt it was of little interest to the general public. By 1998 this book had sold more than 25 million copies and remains a bestseller to this day.

6. William Golding. The Lord of the Flies, a disturbing book about the lives and violence of young boys stranded on a tropical island, was rejected more than 20 times. The book has gone on to sell more than 14 million copies and the author received the Nobel Prize for Literature. 7. James Joyce. Possibly one of the most famous Irish writers of the 20th Century saw his novel Ulysses was  rejected over and over for being obscene.

8. Jasper Fforde. Again a personal favourite. I have all of his Thursday Next novels and love the Nursery Crime series. Jasper collected 76 rejections before The Eyre Affair was accepted for publication.

9. J.K. Rowling. Probably the best known rejected author of modern times. The first Harry Potter book was turned down by 12 major publishing houses before being accepted by Bloomsbury one of the smaller London publishers. Now each of her books has been turned into a movie, there are the books, computer games, merchandise etc.

10. Frank Herbert. The best selling Science Fiction novel of all time was rejected 20 times. When accepted Dune sold so well that Herbert was contracted to write five more in the series.

So great books and writers- how many have you actually read? – the common thread being rejection and perseverance. Like most of you I am working on completing novels – I’ve just finished the draft of my second.

Meanwhile I keep my cash flowing by writing articles, short story’s, poetry and tutoring. I feel privileged, like I said at the start of this article, that I can spend time writing and helping others. I particularly like to write comedy – not one of the easiest genres but great fun. I sometimes burst out laughing when I read the things I’ve written.

Don’t ever get downhearted about your writing. Write for yourself when you can. Write articles to improve your skills (and get paid); write for your friends and family.

Just write!