Fairy Hanny

More from Fairy Hanny

I am very happy to say I just published my second book on Amazon. So for the next week or so I will be promoting my work – just like I said I would on this blog!!

The story is the second in the series featuring my heroine, Fairy Hanny. She is a tough go-getter, and also stunningly beautiful. A sort of Amazonian with wings! The first book is also available on Amazon, and I am working on the third in this series.

I thought some extracts might amuse people. So here we go.

“Things are not as they should be on Uranus (I´m sure you know the feeling); someone is fiddling with Time; jiggling about with the quantization of wormholes (how many would you like Madam?); disturbing the elasticated fabric of the raggedy arsed eternal soldier as he wends his way through the Political Battles of Carpathian Princes pretending to be Vlad reincarnated. Maybe it was God playing dice with the Universe, though Albert said there was no chance of that happening. Maybe God was spinning a roulette wheel with a few Russians and they were betting on red all the Time. Yet still Wolfgang said no chance my good man.

Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!

Turn and turn and turn and turn…

Another turn around the wheel!”

Extract – The sons of Turenn

Well it is out there. The next instalment of the Tales of Fairy Hanny.

TransUranic Elements: The Dark Side of Uranus.

And now I am working on the third book, so I am putting a section here, for your entertainment. Enjoy.

First one is still there too..

“The Death of Kian.

“What was it that led you to kill the mullet headed Kian?”

A great question.

So great Hanny had to ask several times.

Before her sat the sons of Turenn, now united in sporting Curly perms. Though it could be said that Dennis had developed his look to be something like a curly mullet. And Wayne had grown his hare back. They sat there, dressed in orange and green, though sometimes they dressed in black and tan, especially when being total bastards.

“Alright!”

Came three answers of sorts. Hanny thought they were about to shout, ‘Baby Jump’.

Hanny looked upon her new companions with awe. Bodies sculptured to impress the ladies; faces sculptured to win any gurning contest. Why was nature so cruel?

Gorgeous women with pea sized brains.

Physicists lacking social skills.

Politicians lying for a living while claiming to help.

Celibate priests buggering about.

And Princes raping young girls at twelve million quid a time.

There are strange things and strange worlds and strange rules and strange things from Uranus.

The sons of Turenn sat at the great table. They had been eating for hours and now the chicken legs, racks of ribs, Olives and jelly’s had all but disappeared. It was time to dismiss the rest of the revellers and reveal their revelations. Time to confess their misdeeds, without admitting the truth to All and Sundry, especially on Sunday. After all, All was one of the biggest gossips in the Turenn Household, and Sundry was a right twat.

Hanny would be thrilled to hear the truth, if it ever came out. Though coming out as the ‘truth’ was not quite the same as living in a closet.

So it came to pass, alack and alas, that Kian wanted to pass through the Lands of Turenn, on a secret mission to the west, at someone’s bequest though we don’t know the rest. He knew his ridiculous mullet would make him recognisable to anyone in the Turenn tribe. So, he conjured up a little bit of that old black magic, the type keeps you in its spell, that old black magic that you know so well. Then with a whiz and a biz and a fizz Kian turned himself into a pig. In more recent years it has become common place for Politicians to familiarise themselves with pigs, though at the time of Kian it was a novel approach; he wrote a book about it.

Kian, disguised as a pig, believed he could tootle his trotters across the Land of Turenn and continue with his mysterious quest.

“Stupid fecker,” said Brian. “As if we wouldn’t notice a pig with a mullet!”

Thus, it was that Brian, Dennis and Wayne chased the pig with the mullet and speared it. Then they ate fresh pork chops that night, having first buried the entrails in the local dung hill to keep the dogs away.

As he lay dying the pig/Kian cursed the sons of Turenn.

“At first I thought he had ‘spare’ wounds,” explained Wayne. “I am dyslexic, even though such a diagnosis does not exist in the Legendary Land of Faery. What could be so bad about a ‘spare’ wound? Hey how many wounds have you got? Any spare ones so I don’t have to go over the top?”

Hanny looked perplexed.

“When I realised they meant ‘spear’ wounds, I knew things could be falat!” continued Wayne.

“Falat?” asked Hanny.

“He means fatal,” said Dennis. “The dumb fuck can’t even say his lines dead proper.”

“Falat – that’s what I said!” said Wayne.

“That pork was rather tasty,” smiled Brian.

“You can’t beat fresh Prok,” agreed Wayne.

“Anyway, once we had scoffed the lot and stored some Kian sausages in the freezer, we got an angry call from Lugh,” explained Brian.

“Where is my mullet headed son?” cried Lugh.

“We turned him into pork scratchings,” laughed Dennis.

Lugh was as angry as Rottweiler on speed.

“Nobody kills my kin or my grunters!” shouted Lugh, for he was sad at the death of his dad.

And so it was that the sons of Turenn were beckoned to the High King Daffte at Tara to say goodbye to their freedom.

They admitted to their guilt at eating the porcine father of Lugh, but hey, a bit of crackling never did any harm. And what of the battle of the hairdo’s? To pay or not to pay, was that the question?

“Oh, wonderful King Daffte, what is so wrong about spearing a pig, even though it is sporting a mullet?” asked Brian.

Brian suggested that maybe an avant-garde pig keeper was very fond of mullets on his pigs. How were they to know? If a pig specialist had decided on interesting hair styles for his charges, how were the sons of Turenn to distinguish between black magic Kian and an audacious swineherd? The sons of Turenn felt they had won a logistical victory.

King Daffte turned to Lugh.

“What do you reckon? Reasonable mistake? Especially as they ate the pork!” said Daffte

Lugh lifted a pint of fine dark ale and cried copiously into his beer.

“Oh, marvellous King. Lord of Lords and owner of swords! Dou you have any boards? Or rope we can call cords? Or sections of circles, also chords, though spelt dead different?” screamed Lugh. “These twats murdered and barbecued my Old Man! They should die! Die! Di diddly eye tie die die!”

Daffte was not so daft.

“It could have been a genuine mistake. Some of the swineherds have taken to sending their pigs to hairdressers to smarten them up. A pig with a mullet is not that unusual these days,” said Daffte. “I tell you what; you suggest a punishment for these lads. It can’t be outright death, though it could be a fatal task!” said Daffte.

Lugh sat alone on his seat of stone and munched and mumbled on a bare old bone.

“Are you excited?” asked Daffte.

Daft question.

Lugh was planning his revenge.

“I have a list of eight tasks to complete,” declared Lugh. “If they get the lot done then I can forgive them, Plus I will be better off too and I can mourn my old fella.”

“Did your cock drop off?” asked Daffte.

The sons of Turenn, Brian, Dennis and Wayne, huddled together for a few minutes. They stood and looked directly to King Daffte.

“Whatever,” said Brian. “Whatever this knob end asks, we will do it.”

“Wow!” declared Daffte.

“We are Rick hard! Hard as Nials!” declared Wayne.

“Do you mean as hard as Nials the Merciless?” asked the King.

“No, I mean as hard as nials you knock into wood with a hamour!” said Wayne.

“Seems a little fishy,” said the King.

Hanny decided it was time for a parse into the narrative. Was it ok to make fun of dyslexics? She decided it was ko and let the story continue; it would still be a knockout.

“Ok what is the list of the tasks?” asked Hanny.

Brian, the oldest son of Turenn, stood with his hands behind his back, as though he was about to recite a poem about Father William.

He looked toward the ceiling, which was a wonderful counterpart to the walls.

“We have to collect three apples, the skin of a pig, a magical spear, a chariot with two horses, seven swine, a hound, a cooking spit, and then give three shouts on a hill,” he explained.

“It sounds straightforward enough,” said Hanny.

“Really?”

“Yes!”

“Well, every single one is magic and none are in Faery!” said Dennis.

“Feckity feck! More travel!” shouted Hanny.

“Lots more travail,” said Wayne.

Fairy Hanny and the Sons of Turenn

This is the third book featuring Fairy Hanny. For this one I am reaching into a story from my Celtic heritage to place Hanny into an old myth. I will put some extracts from work in progress here.

Across the Universe.

” I take it you’re bored Hanny,” suggested Mad Tom with a face like an Alsatian licking piss from a nettle.

“Too firkin right Tommy boy! I have hunted Witches, Trolls and Ogres, and aided a Pixy in his quest to defeat the Ceramics! I watched the beheading of a beautiful Witch and the trepidations of a winking wan King! And now I am attempting to help a dilettante Monarch come to terms with his overeating and personal hygiene issues! Give me a sword and a quest and I will be a hero!” said the rousing Fairy.

“Maybe you need a Heroine Quest,” asked Magdalene.

“Is that the same as a Hero Quest?” asked Hanny.

“Similar but it comes in a different box,” explained Tom, proving once and for all that he is totally Mad.

Hanny continued to sit up in her chair at the table near the bar.

“Do you crave another adventure?” enquired Tom.

Adventure!

Curing Piles!

Closing down a RING!

Watching Gremlins paint the town red!

Aiding a Pixy overdosing on magic underpants!

Now that was an adventure!!

“Is there some other crazy Witch or Warlock or Wizard or Warden wanting to disturb the flow of Time across the Universe?” asked Hanny.

“There always is some eejit plotting such a ruse, but that’s not what we need you for this Time,” said Tom. “This Time we need you to transfer to another Time and another place and another land. To a Time out of Time to lend a hand to a band of brothers,” continued Tom. “We need you to go to the Land of Faery, to the days before days, to fight evil ways and prevent the malaise that lays over the sons of Turenn. To a place where magic fills the air and it’s hard to find a chair when you go to the pub on Friday.”

“What?”

“To days of old where Knights are bold and beds are cold and slaves are sold and put in a hold!”

“What?”

“We need you in days gone by, where eyes will cry and the Autumn moon will light your way!”

“What?”

Mad Magdalene began her shimmering dance, her translucent skirts flowing and blowing and growing.

“Still I sing; Bonny boys, Bedlam boys are bonny!” she sang.

Hanny had survived fire and ice and things not nice. She had danced topless to stir some life into a dead Kings todger. She wanted chapter and verse if she was to cross the universe. What is it they wanted her to actually do?

Tom asked Magdalene to pause her dancing as it was a fabulous narrative effect, a potential Dickensian cliff-hanger.

Sadly, it didn’t work.

And so the two danced very closely together, without music. On observation Hanny could tell they danced the tango as they slapped each other’s faces. Magdalene rose with a smile across her rosy red cheeks.

“Hanny! Hanny! Hanny!” she said.

“There is only one of me!” said Hanny.

“Of course, you’re unique,” agreed Magdalene. “But Hanny; we friends on the Isle of Faery that need your help. They are the Sons of Turenn. Lugh has set them a series of tasks to complete and they could do with someone with a bit of intelligence to join them to achieve success and not get killed. Please say you will help us again Hanny.”

“The sons of who? Is that one of the big Fairy families in Setebos?”

“No, it is in Eiran and the Isles of Faery.”

“Here, put this on,” said Tom as he handed her a Donkey Jacket, which matched perfectly with her boots.

“Why have you given me this?” asked Hanny.

“It’s what they wear where we’re going,” said Tom.

Establish Your Nightly Routine & Stick To It

Human beings thrive on routine. If you are a parent, you know how true this is. And while most of us will do a good job setting and sticking to a routine for our kids, we don’t do as well for ourselves. It’s time to change that. Let’s talk about what you can do to establish a nightly routine and how you can stick to it until it becomes a habit.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

It all starts with the decision to get a better night’s sleep. And you do it with a daily routine that includes getting into bed at the same time each day – including weekends. It also helps to get up roughly at the same time each morning. Sleeping in a little when you get the chance is fine, but don’t make it more than an hour or two so you can still fall asleep at the appropriate time. That might sound hard at first, but the more you stick to your routine, the easier it will become. After a few weeks it will become a habit. You’ll know you’re close when you start to wake up a few minutes before your alarm.

Going to bed and waking up at the same time are the cornerstones of your routine, but you don’t want to stop there. What you do in the hour or so before bed can make a big difference in how easy it is to fall asleep and how soundly you’ll sleep through the night. There is a lot you can do to set yourself up for a good night’s rest. A warm bath, reading a book, leaving your phone in the living room …

Take a moment to sketch out your ideal night time routine. Keep it simple and start small. What are two or three things you can do consistently before you go to bed at night? This could be brushing your teeth and washing your face. It could also be lighting a candle and reading or journaling for a few minutes right before bed. Or how about sipping a cup of herbal tea?

Write down our first take at a bedtime routine and try it out. How did it feel? What works for you, what does not? It’s okay to make changes over time and tweak it as needed. The only rules are to stick to your bedtime and to eventually land on a routine you can stick with until it becomes an automatic habit.

Once you’ve found your routine you should stick to it for a few months. After that you can make the occasional exception. You’ll be surprised how much easier it will be to fall asleep with a good bedtime routine in place.

Relax Your Body With A Warm Bath Or Gentle Stretches

More ideas to help you sleep. Then when you wake up you are ready to concentrate on the day ahead.

The key to a good night sleep is being able to relax in the hour or two before you climb into bed. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If your body is relaxed, your mind will follow. There’s a lot you can do to relax at night. Read a good book, meditate. But two that are particularly helpful both physically and mentally are a warm bath and stretching. Let’s look at those and how you can include them into your bedtime routine.

How Stretching Helps You Sleep At Night

Doing some gentle stretches or a little relaxing yoga can be a great addition to your nighttime routine. The key here is gentle. This isn’t a workout. It’s part of relaxing and getting your body ready for sleep. Roll those shoulders, work out the kinks in your neck, and stretch those limbs.

You can find plenty of stretching and yoga videos online. While it’s usually a bad idea to use screens at night, you can use them for a few evenings until you get the routine down. Or, if you are familiar with the concepts and can do so safely, feel free to come up with something individual that works for you. After all, we don’t always carry tension in the same parts of our bodies each day.

Pay attention to how you feel when you get into bed after spending a few minutes stretching first. Does your body feel warmer? More relaxed? That’s what will make falling asleep much easier and you end up with better rest.

The Benefits Of A Warm Nighttime Bath (or Shower)

Another great habit to get into is taking a warm bath or shower at night. Not only does it feel good to be clean when you slip between the sheets, it also helps relax your muscles, your body, and even your mind. You can even combine it with gentle stretches.

There’s an additional benefit that has to do with some of the processes inside our body as we transition from being awake to asleep. When you sleep, your body temperature lowers. This is closely connected with feeling sleepy. In your brain falling asleep and a drop in body temperature go together. Taking a warm bath taps into that connection and hacks it to your benefits. Take a warm bath or shower an hour before you’re going to bed. Make sure it’s long enough to warm you up. A minimum of ten minutes is good. Then, as you lay in bed, that temperature slowly starts to drop, making you feel a little drowsy and ready to fall asleep. Give it a try. You’ll be sold.

A bit more from Teds and Beatniks

Just then there was a noise.

“Sorry about that; flatulence is a family trait,” said Ken.

“Noses run in my family,” said Wayne slapping his thigh with glee.

Just then there was a noise.

“Bloody Time travellers. Can’t you keep things straight?” shouted Hanny.

“Did we just skip that bit?” asked Ken.

Just then there was a noise.

“Oh, for firkin feckity fecks sake will you stop with your stupid games Tom!” demanded Magdalene.

“It isn’t me!” protested Tom.

Just then there was a noise.

And in that instant there emerged four grotesque Teddy Bears, seemingly from Nothing.

“Feck!” said Tom. “How did they get here?”

Tom was taken aback and Hanny was taken a’front, while the Elves were taken a’sideways. Magdalene stared with keen interest at the four emerging Ursines.

Dressed in drape coats, tight jeans, white shirts, Bootlace ties adorned with silver and gold, crepe shoes and hair slicked up into a ducks arse, these were Teddy Boy Teddy Bears. Menacing claws and insanely sharp teeth made them different to the ordinary Teds that will appear sometime in another History. By the looks in their fierce red eyes it was clear they had a particular dislike for Tom and Magdalene.

Why?

The Teds are Time travellers too, but they only travel one way. Which is interesting really because if you’re going forward or backward you are still only going one way at a Time. It was infuriating to these guys that Tom and Magdalene could travel in whatever direction they wanted and yet the Teds could only go one way.

Now if you were to ask a layman (not necessarily a man who lays) his opinion on how Time travels he would give one of the following answers.

To the left, to the right and up.
On a bus, on a train, on a plane.

To Tom and Magdalene both answers are true. Tom once carried a watch from Ipswich on the National Express, all the way to London Liverpool Street, across to Heathrow and then on a flight to Doha just to show that answer number two makes great sense.

We digress. (Actually it is just the author who digresses and tries to put in stupid Physics jokes, explained Mad Tom of Bedlam)

Did Tom just come back from the future to rewrite this bit?

We knew he would.

“Well, well, well!” said the first of the four bears.

Tom looked him the eye.

“There are five of us,” he stated.

“Well, well, well, well, well!” the bear corrected himself. “If it isn’t Insane Tom of Bedlam with his Motley Crew. Though I must say those two Elves look more like a couple of hors d’oeuvres to me! A fortuitous plop in the stitch of Time dropped me and my boys right on top of you!”

“You’re actually several metres away,” corrected Tom. “And yet it is always lovely to see you Rutherford. Where have you been up to?”

The Gang of Four bears grinned like foxes licking piss from a nettle.

This could be trouble, thought Tom. Should I stay or should I go. If I go it could be double. He considered the chances of his crew surviving a smackdown with these guys. The Elves would be out in seconds, ripped apart by the ferocious claws of these roughie toughie bears. Hanny could handle herself.

Tom recognised all four of the Teds.

Beside the apparent leader who called himself Rutherford, a rather positive bear by all accounts, there was the gimpy one called Planck, the neutral one called Chadwick , and the philatelist Thomson who could be quite negative at times. Alone each would be easy to tear down, but their combined mass could change the future of the Universe – well this one anyway.

Magdalene could make a plank out of Planck and shove Chadwick in a wave tank. That would leave Thomson and Rutherford for Tom and Hanny. Things looked good.

“I see you’re working on the possibilities,” said Planck.

“Have you been reading ahead?” asked Tom.

“There is always that chance,” said Planck.

“Then that is unfair,” said Tom.

“You should see what we do in the woods! Now that’s not fair or funny!”

All the bears laughed at this one, clearly an in joke amongst the Ursines.

Insane Tom looked to all four bears. It was hard to tell how they would react. He knew them well through many millennia of pointless conflicts. Rutherford could be positive, Thomson was always negative and Chadwick was neither here nor there. And as for Planck – he was constant.

The Teds moved forward.

Tom and Hanny stepped back; Hanny drew her sword.

“This is not time for an art class,” said Tom.

Magdalene slipped almost unnoticed to the side.

Thomson stared at Wayne with eyes that could scare a monster.

“I just want to be your Teddy Bear,” laughed Thomson.

Ken shat himself.

Magdalene tossed some travel gravel to Tom.

Hanny, who by now felt angry enough to take on all four Teds, saw the flying stones as an act of betrayal. No way was she going to be left here to be ripped to shreds by these Bastard Bears as Tom and his bird sailed back in Time to start the adventure all over again. How many times have they led me to my death, she wondered?

“Feck this,” said Hanny and readied herself to charge.

Just then there was a noise.

“Not this bollocks again!”

And in a flash Tom and Magdalene were back but looking different. They stood in black jeans, black leather jackets, black berets, black T-shirts, black pumps and black sunglasses. It was like a scene from Schiphol Airport. Black everywhere.

“Hey, look at you Rutherford, you’re a shape in a drape!” said Magdalene.

“Claws sharp too,” said Tom.

“I don’t like the look of Planck; has he got bright disease?” asked Magdalene.

“And that Thomson looks like a Gin Mill Cowboy, I hope he isn’t Dixie Fried,” drolled Tom.

“I see you cats are interviewing your brains, so maybe I will leave you alone,” crooned Magdalene.

“I hope you know your groceries so you can noodle it out before you get a zonk on the head. You’re slated for crashville, and you will be toast!” declared Extremely Irate Tom.

“Focus your audio Rutherford!” said Magdalene.

“I think he’s got X-ray eyes,” said Tom.

The Teds, staggered back slowly, heads flipping side to side, looking for assurances from each other. Tom and Magdalene slouched toward the Teds, hands sliding up and down their black leather jeans, heads tilted, sunglasses glinting in the sun.

“Hey baby this is a groove! What are you doing Daddy-O? Black leather, black leather, crash, crash, crash!” they sang in unison. “Black leather, black leather, bash, bash, bash!”

Rutherford stood up so tall he looked like a new clear model; Thomson ate a plum pudding; Chadwick waved goodbye; Planck decided he would be the only constant in this Fearsome Foursome.

Then shazam!! They were gone!

“Wow! What the flying feck just happened?” asked Hanny.

Tom and Magdalene broke into hysterical laughter, doing high fives, low fives and five bob should pay for it all.

“We’re Beatniks baby girl-O. We moved with the man with a plan and bam! We threw those babies out of the balcony. They are used-to-Be’s! Gone, Gone, Gone! Hit me with a groove sweet thing! Teds are gone. Those guys just don’t like Beatniks.”

“That was Magic!” said Wayne.

“Has anyone got any toilet paper?” said Ken.

Dealing With Stray Thoughts & Worries At Nighttime

Do you ever have one of those nights when you can’t turn your mind off and end up tossing and turning? We all have days and nights when our busy minds and worries keep us up. Thankfully there are some simple strategies you can employ to deal with them, leaving you to enjoy the remainder of your night in restful slumber. Let’s look at a few you can try whenever you need them.

Distract Yourself

If you had a rough day or are going through stressful times, it can help to distract yourself before bed. Read a good book. Watch a movie. Catch up on your favorite show, or play a video game in the hours before bed. For the last hour or two before you lay down, it’s best to avoid screens. Reading or listening to a podcast or some engaging music are great ways to distract yourself. Or how about a good conversation with a loved one, or some private time with your spouse? Get your mind off what’s worrying you and do what you can to leave it until the next morning.

Journal Before Bed

If I can’t sleep I get up and write down the things that are bothering me

If you can’t quite distract yourself, it’s not a bad idea to face and acknowledge what’s worrying you. Take out a notebook and journal for a page or two. It will help you process whatever is going on in your life. And by writing it down and getting it all out before bed, it can help clear your mind.

Journaling isn’t a quick pill fix. It can take some time to see the long-term benefits. Give it a few weeks and see if it’s something that works for you. Or maybe you’ll get lucky and one night of journaling is enough to calm that busy, anxious mind. After all you only have a page, some ink and a few minutes of your time to lose on this simple exercise.

Nighttime Meditation

If journaling isn’t your thing, or it isn’t quite enough to help on its own, try meditating. Meditation any time of the day is a great way to bring calm to your day and reduce stress. It’s particularly helpful right before bed.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? If you’re anxious and worried when it’s time to go to sleep, mediating can help you shift into a calmer, more centered and present state. Short, guided meditations are especially helpful for beginners. Find one online, plug in your earbuds and give it a try.

Keep A Notepad On Your Night Table

Last but not least, here’s something anyone can do. Go find a little notebook, a notepad, or a piece of scrap paper. Put it along with a pen or pencil on your nightstand. When your mind gets busy about all the things you need to do the next day, or something pops up that you don’t want to forget, write it down. It gives great peace of mind and may be just what you need to fall asleep.

A bit more from ‘Trans-Uranic elements.

This book should be on Amazon by the end of January 2022. Here is a little bit for your entertainment.

“

Of Teds and Beatniks.

Meanwhile back in the fart filled foetid swamps of Witchland.

The influence of the Thinking winking wan King of the Witches can be smelt emanating from the rotten Dahlias of Doom, like the putrid cabbage smell derived from certain family members who really ought to see a doctor and get it sorted. Our Five Fearful Fellows forge forward through this phantasmagorical fantasy fuelled fable.

Mad Magdalene goes on dirty toes to save her shoes from gravel. Irate Tom of Bedlam is looking remarkably spry for a man of his indeterminate age. Ken and Wayne, never the smartest of shroom cultivators, are somewhat bedraggled, and are finding the oppressive nature of the swampy woods rather takes away their joy of shouting ‘Wurlitzer!’

Oh! how they didn’t laugh.

These two pesky varmints were known for the japes and capes and jokes and pokes; they normally frolicked like new-born lambs in a cataclysm of clichés. Now it was more likely they would just say ‘frolics to it all’.

And what of Fairy Hanny?

Well, it will be of no great surprise to realise that this stoic Handmaiden of the Fat King Innocent, Carried on Regardless. She would have preferred to Carry on Cruising with her cousin Mutch; however, she’d accept she would have to Carry on Camping with this bunch of buffoons. The swamp wood was depressing, and she understood that soon they would have to Carry on up the Jungle in order to locate the Castle of Grumbleflick. Her only real concern just now related to the creepy looks she sometimes got from Ken Tucky; looks that said he’d like to Carry on up the Khyber.

What a Carry On!

And then there were the Carrion. Vultures without Cultures, Eagles eating Beagles, Magpies with Stag pies, and Ravens with cravings for tomato chutney; waiting (waiting), waiting for you!

Then one day, one special day they passed that way, and spoke of many things, of fools and Kings, and Cabbages and things. The air grew less tiresome as the land rose slowly from the swampy stuff and the land beneath their feet began to dry out. There was a slight rise in ground level allowing for precipitation to run off to lower points, which is a sort of gravity thing, water tending to fall downhill except when it can flow up hill. Which is never. Except when you get the kiss of Poseidon. The dead Dahlias had disappeared to be replaced by more charming flowers such as the periwinkle, foxglove and red-hot poker.

“We must be in the Land O’Bloom,” said a Slightly miffed Tom of Bedlam.

“How do you know that?” asked Wayne.

“Two things; I’ve been here before; and there is a sign up ahead that says, ‘Welcome to the Land O’Bloom’.”

“So does that mean we’ve all been here before?” asked Ken.

“We have all been here before!” stated the existential Magdalene.

“If I had ever been here before I would probably know just what to do!” said Hanny.

“Excuse me?”

“If I had ever been here before on another time around the wheel I would probably know how to deal with all of you!”

Photo by Christiano Sinisterra on Pexels.com

“She always says that” declared Tom. “Gives me a distinct sense of Deja vu.”

Hanny paused – she sensed she’d been through this conversation before.

The practical side took control.

“So, I take it that means we’re now not too far from the Castle of Grumbleflick the Witch king and therefore the Witch Iz. We can get in there, destroy her Time pulsing RING, save Uranus and get back to Fairy Mutch?”

Tom sniffed. The damp of the swamp had given him a slight chill, so he was trying to prevent having a silvery line of snot laying across his philtrum. Hanny thought he was being derisive.

“Are you being derisive Tom? If so don’t blame me if your meat and two veg part company!” threatened Hanny.

“Just a snotty nose,” replied the sinus infected traveller.

Poor choice of words in his reply. Hanny was well known for her sense of superiority (and her big tits).

“Are you implying that I am a conceited arrogant Fairy?” she asked.

“Tut tut!” said Magdalene, “this happened next week as well. No dear he has a slight head cold due to the inclement conditions; he is trying to prevent the nasal mucus from besmirching his upper lip. Hence the sniff.”

Hanny glared a glaring glare. She slowly allowed her anger to ebb away, assuming the adverse conditions and the impending threat of death were starting to get to her temper.

“Conceited arrogant bitch,” muttered Magdalene.

The Land O’Bloom was developing as something of a macabre tourist destination. Way off to the east in the land of the Fairies, Pixy’s, Elves, Dwarfs and Orcs were far more settled. The Orcs had mostly given up the practice of eating others, preferring instead to spread fear as Financial Advisors and Tax Inspectors. Yes, there were occasional bouts of silliness when the Gremlins got out of hand, or if a Twisty Headed Fire Dragon went on the rampage; but generally, things were super safe. Even the attempted coup by the Trolls and the raising of the Trolletariat had faded to nothing eventually; just slightly better conditions for those that live under bridges.

Here in Witchland there were genuine scary things to see and be frightened by. Vampyres, Zombies and Witches patrolled the streets, whilst having their photographs taken with and by the tourists, occasionally marking out some unfortunate soul who would not be going home that night. It’s the risk. Not that it makes any sense to me; like trawling through graveyards to find the last resting place of rock stars.

‘Here lies the remains of Lazarus Git, lead guitarist with the Rooty Toots, gigging in the great club in the sky. Rock In Peace.’

The change in altitude and humidity had done wonders to perk up the spirits of Ken and Wayne.

“Frabjous Day! Wurlitzer! Thankyou very much!” they chorused. “Time to lay off my blue suede shoes!”

“What does that mean?” asked Hanny.

“What?”

“Lay off my blue suede shoes!”

“Oh, it’s something we get the chickens to do back in the Ghetto (In the Ghetto). If the chicken stands on your shoe and lays an egg it is a sign of good luck, especially if you’re wearing blue suede shoes. So ‘lay off my blue suede shoes’ means ‘wish me luck’.”

Hanny had a face pursed up like a cat’s arse as she stared in disbelief at the dancing duo.

“Do you remember next time we were here,” asked Tom. “What happened next?”

“Your memory is getting frazzled Tom! It was a few times after this that we were here next. Don’t you remember, you misdirected the tachyon neutrino cross flux discombobulator, detached the alligator sprockets, pushed the banjo junction in the wrong union and almost ran out of Travel Gravel? So, we went forward a bit, back a bit, left a bit and tried for a Golden Shot with the Monkey Man. Then you reversed the neutron polarity and the electron spin and went back to the beginning of the book. I think you need a session with some of the Warriors on the Edge of Time!” recalled Mad Magdalene.

Hanny, Ken and Wayne did not have a clue what that last conversation was about (and neither do I). Some sort of pseudo-Physics quantum telemetry gluon theory. Possibly the tenfold way and maybe that’s the way God planned it.”

Getting Comfy – Temperature, Touch, Sound & Scent

Ok so we had a break for Christmas and New Year. Now we are back into a routine and we need to get up and go to work/school. And after a long break it is difficult to establish that routine and insomnia hits some of us. So let’s get back to thinking about good bedtime routines.

It’s time for bed and you’re ready to get comfy and drift off to sleep. The more conductive you can make your bed and your bedroom to sleeping, the easier it will be to rest and actually fall asleep. Let’s talk about a few simple things you can do to create a better sleep environment.

One of the easiest things to change and improve for most of us is the temperature. It’s easier to sleep at cooler temperatures. Turn down your central heat or air down a degree or two when you head to bed. Make sure you’re dressed appropriately. Light pajamas when it’s warm and a blanket that will keep you warm enough, but not sweating in the middle of the night. If it’s cool outside, consider opening the windows for a bit before you go to bed to let some fresh air into the room, or consider sleeping with the window cracked open. There’s something about it that makes for a restful night. Of course you should ignore this advice if you have allergies and fresh air causes you to sneeze or gives you a stuffy nose.

Next, let’s think about touch. What makes you comfortable? Is it the sleek cool feel of satin sheets? The comfort of flannel and a heavy quilt on top of you? How about soft cotton that you can wrap up in? Find your perfect sheets and bedding. Don’t forget about what you are wearing to bed. The clothes should be comfortable, because when you are, it’s easier to fall asleep and you’ll sleep deeper.

If you’re having trouble falling asleep because the slightest noise from outside alerts you or you can’t shut off your mind, give white or brown noise a try. Turn on a fan, play some soft sounds, or try a bedtime meditation. There are plenty of options out there. The sound can be soothing and it will cover up anything going on outside that keeps you from drifting off to sleep.

Last but not least, there are calming scents that will help slow down your body and mind when it’s time to go to sleep. Light a scented candle for a little while or diffuse some oils. Lavender has long been a favorite at bedtime. You can even create a fun linen spray by combining distilled water with a few drops of lavender oil. Spritz it on your sheets and your pillow before bed. The aroma will carry you off to dreamland in no time.

Don’t be afraid to play around with any of these suggestions. Come up with what works for you and create your very own bedtime routine.

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I hope…

I didn’t leave you with Insomnia!